Mommy of Faith

Olivia has arrived!

2011-12-06T09:44:00.001-05:00

Olivia’s birth story

*note – I did not keep exact track of time/events*
Thanksgiving day/weekend – I had lots of strong contractions on/off all weekend. I knew things were starting to gear up, but never became a solid pattern of labor, just on/off again. I found it a bit irritating but was hopeful it was helping me make progress.
Monday 11/28/11 I had my weekly appointment with Jody (my friend & midwife). She checked and found me to be 1 cm, very soft & 50% effaced, all good news. Baby’s head was in position and she was able to do a really thorough sweep of my membranes. Left office at about 10:30 and started having regular contractions shortly after. Went to Kohl’s to do a bit of shopping, took my time and walked around the whole store, contracting the entire time. I got a bit excited on the way home because the contractions were continuing despite sitting down – YAH! Got home, went for a walk, rocked on my birth ball as much as possible and did my best to stay busy. Contractions continued every 3-5 minutes most of the day. They did slow down a bit in the afternoon and I was worried they were going to peter out on me. At dinner time I texted Jody and ask her if I should go ahead and send John to work since I knew early labor could literally last days, she said to go ahead and send him. After dinner and about the time John headed off to work contractions really started to pick up. By 9-10 pm they got really strong and were coming every 2-3 minutes and I was starting to have to breathe through them. My original plan was to stay home as absolutely long as possible but I just wasn’t comfortable at home. Mom & cheyanne were both awake (and I love them and all but I felt like they were “intruding”) .
Finally at midnight (11/29/11) I had mom take me in to the hospital. Faith & Cheyanne both went too but as soon as I got up to L&D I had them turn around and go right home. I knew Jody would stay with me the whole time and that John would be on his way back and hopefully arrive by 4 or 5 am. (he knew what was up and had called ahead to Pocono to have them get him in/out quick so he could get back in time).
Got to L&D. Was at 2-3 cm and 80% effaced so my contractions were definitely doing something. I was also pretty dehydrated, which is why I think the contractions were feeling more painful & coming so close. It was a bit disappointing to show up still not in “active” labor but it gave me the opportunity to have a bit more freedom of movement since I was a VBAC and would have to be attached to monitors indefinitely once I was “active”. Got situated and got a good strip on the monitor (took a bit as I was dehydrated and baby wasn’t showing good variation so I had to eat & drink some to get her going). Then I got in the whirlpool tub to relax and hopefully ease some of the pain/tension. I really enjoyed the tub, but it slowed my contractions some and I have to admit I was thinking ahead of the pain & honestly feel like that was a big mistake on my part (thinking too much, instead of relaxing). Once I got out of the tub I talked to Jody about pain management, I was really feeling that my expectation of going “all natural” was just not realistic for me. She explained about the narcotics & epidural. I felt like going with the epidural was going to be safer for the baby. I was at 4-5 cm and still 80% at that point and they ordered the epidural.

John arrived about 4:40 am and shortly thereafter they came to do my epidural. Contractions had really started to pick up again by then and I was anxious for the relief and to maybe get a bit of rest before I got really going. They gave me a bolus of fluid before anesthesia dr. got there knowing I run a low blood pressure and was somewhat dehydrated, despite that I’d been drinking good since I arrived. Epidural placement went well, he had no problems. Things get pretty fuzzy for me from here …
I believe when they actually put the loading dose in the epidural is when the problem started. I remember telling the dr I felt a little “funny” but I couldn’t really explain in what way. He asked me some specific questions and I remember answering but then the next thing I remember was waking up groggy and having an oxygen mask on and a room full of staff. I was very scared when I woke up…
What I’ve been explained happened was that due to my volume depletion & my tendency to run a low blood pressure normally, the epidural caused me to totally bottom out my pressure. I guess I dropped to 56/35 and I passed out. John did stay in the room, off to the side and I’m sure was terrified. He said he heard the anesthesia dr. tell them to get us an OR and also asked for some other people to come, though I don’t know who/what. They gave me a lot of different meds to bring me around and stabilize my blood pressure. For the next while after I “came to” they continued super close monitoring and asking me specific questions about how I was feeling/etc. My labor nurse later told me that the Dr. was quite rattled by what happened and had said out of the room that he had never seen anything like that before. I know I cried a lot (and still do) thinking about Faith, John and the baby and worrying what would happen if things hadn’t gotten corrected so quickly.
For the next several hours we had to rest and let the baby stabilize from all the meds. She got the meds too of course and it caused her to go nuts in my tummy kicking & rolling around. She finally settled down and Jody talked to me about what was going to happen next. Since I couldn’t tolerate the epidural (they turned it right off obviously) and going to the OR under general anesthesia was a horrible option, I had to go all natural. I am going to be honest that I was extremely scared and still feeling so “off” from the other incident but I really had no choice in the matter. It’s really hard to face something like that when you feel the choice isn’t yours anymore.
At 10 am they started me on Pitocin. The blood pressure emergency had really petered out my labor and we needed to get baby out. Contractions picked up quick and once again I have to say things are really a blur. I will be honest that I am embarrassed by how badly I handled the contractions. I am sure I scared any sane woman to death with my screaming and begging for help. At times I was able to handle the contractions with breathing techniques but more often than not I was totally freaked out. My water got broken sometime around noon I think and we did find there was fresh meconium in the fluid, that scared me too, thinking of the baby & knowing that could be trouble for her. They assured me that they would have the NICU doctor there at birth to make sure she was alright.
Things did move really quickly considering this was my first “real labor” and dilation. I’m not 100% sure on time but somewhere around 2-3 pm I was at like 6-7 cms. Jody did finally give me some stadol hoping I could at least get a tiny bit of relaxation in between the contractions. I’ll be honest in saying I think it was a total waste, the highs of the contractions were so intense that even though the lows were easier it didn’t really help. At one point toward the end I got on hands and knees for some contractions to try and get the last little bit thinned out. Shortly after that I felt a lot of pressure and thinking back I honestly think I started pushing. At the time I didn’t think I was, but thinking back now I think I was pushing a bit with my contractions. I remember Jody asking me a couple times if I was pushing and I told her no, but I wonder now if I was subconsciously pushing. I asked to go to bathroom, it was so much more comfortable to be up and on the toilet than laying on the bed (that’s the absolute worst part of the VBAC having to have that constant monitoring). I went to the bathroom and Jody came in and asked again if I was pushing & I told her I was having a BM, I was only doing that. She said wait wait let me check. She checked me and I was complete. She told me to stop pushing and told me I had to get back up. I didn’t want to and felt like I had to finish going, she had to really force me to get up and get back to the bed. She checked again and sure enough I was complete, we did a test push and she quickly called the nurses & NICU doctor in.
I started pushing at 3:50 pm. I felt so empowered and motivated, the pain was horrible but at least I could now do something about it. It went QUICK and I could feel baby moving down and crowning. Jody had me feel the top of her head. I really don’t know much about what was going on around me, the whole experience was surreal. Olivia was born at 4:00 pm. And the first thing I said was “I DID IT”.
I have to admit I’m still somewhat in shock that I actually had my vaginal birth.
NICU Dr. suctioned Olivia quickly and got her right back to me. I was able to nurse her right away which was a fantastic feeling as well. Olivia nurses like a champ and I’m so thankful to my midwife & friend for everything she did for me. I was extremely rough on her and because of our friendship I know it was an extremely hard labor for her to go through too.

Okay so obviously it's been a while!

2011-11-04T07:54:00.003-04:00

Where to start? Hmmm well Olivia Grace will be arriving soon. What, didn't know we were expecting? Well yes our 2nd daughter is due to arrive at the beginning of December. She was not at all planned, but after the initial shock of it all we couldn't be more thrilled! Faith is beyond excited to be getting a sister, she's only been asking for a sibling since she learned to talk, so this is HUGE for her.

I have had a very uncomplicated pregnancy, which has been a huge blessing, as early on I was very nervous that because of my weight loss surgery the baby wouldn't gain weight well or would have other potential problems, but so far so good!

We spent the late spring and part of the summer doing some camping. Lots of good times as always. Hope that this next year we can get in even more. Toward the end of the summer we got very bogged down with preparing for baby & getting home improvements done, we just didn't have as long of a camping season as we would have liked. We also got to enjoy some weekends at the cottage on Lake Ontario with our wonderful friends Tim & Jody. It's a great spot & we really enjoyed it, hope to do more of that next year as well.

Faith started Kindergarten this year. So hard to believe she is 5 years old. We had a bit of a rough start as she adjusted to being gone "all day" but she seems much better with it now and is doing well. She still doesn't care for coloring, LOL. She also tends toward a bad habit her mama always had in school which was rushing through her work, we are working on that. I'm proud to say that she is already able to read many words and simple sentences. She also enjoys math a lot. Hoping to instill a real love of school in her, it's going to be hard when the baby comes because i suspect she will be jealous of the time baby gets to spend with just mama.

In October we lost our beloved german shepard, Michelob. He was 9 years old and died suddenly. We don't really know what took him from us but suspect he had some kind of intestinal blockage or perhaps even a cancer that we didn't know about. He didn't act sick or seem to have any problems, i went out to let him in one night and he was just laying there dead. Very traumatic for all of us. We really miss having a dog, but timing wise it's just not the right time to get another dog. We are looking forward to spring when we hope to find a puppy to join our family.

John continues to work long overnight hours. The schedule is definitely hard on us, and will probably get worse when baby comes but we'll make it work. I'm grateful for his good job with benefits that make it possible for me to stay home with the kids (wow that seems weird to add that "s" on there). He struggles because the company can be difficult to deal with at times, typical corporate bologna but for now it is what it is and I try my best to encourage him to let work be work & enjoy our home & family as much as he can. I'm so lucky to have found a very practical, responsible & loving man :-)

That's it for today, must get busy on the remainder of the "get ready for baby & Christmas" list that i have. Have a blessed Thanksgiving if i don't update before then. I am going to try my best to update this blog more often, promise :-)

WOW i've neglected this blog big time :(

2011-07-25T07:25:00.001-04:00

I promise to get it up to date soon!!!

So much to update for now, here's a picture of our 5 year old on her birthday!

A true friend...

2011-03-17T06:59:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I ponder this question......
I have friends that I can go weeks and/or months without talking directly to and we can pick up right were we left off. Even if i haven't talked to them in a long while, i know that at a moment's notice if i need them they will be there. To me that's a true friend, a friend for life. I care deeply for my friends, they are like my family. I hope that my friends feel the same about me, that no matter what if they need me i'm here for them. I don't say thank you enough to all my friends, i hope they all know how deeply important they are to me & my family. LOVE YOU ALL, you know who you are :-)

WOW i haven't shared in a while

2011-03-09T07:21:00.001-05:00

Sorry about that...how about a picture recap??

What have we been up to?

2010-11-28T07:34:00.004-05:00

Oh a little of this, a little of that :-)
Here's some recent pictures of Faith. Enjoy!
Waiting for the school bus her first day of school :)

Her first day of school outfit, how did she get so BIG?

Halloween Costume. She wanted to be "Princess Dora" from one of her books, i think we did a great job on the costume, good thing mama knows how to sew :-)

She is ALWAYS helping me around the house, I bet when she's 13 or so she won't want to mop anymore?

Faith got a new hat, was supposed to be for mama but i didn't bother to check my knitting gauge and the band was way too small for my big head, she sure looks cute though!

Grocery Shopping Savings

2010-08-06T12:58:00.003-04:00

Total regular price of all the stuff = $175.00
Total paid - $74.36 + i got 2 - $10 coupons off my next purchase so total for all these groceries is only $54.36!!!
PLUS i earned another 10 cents off per gallon of gas for my next fill up!

Break down -
Ragu Pasta Sauce - 1.08 per jar
Wish Bone Salad Dressings - .88 cents each
Skippy Low Fat Peanut Butter - $1.50 each
Bic Pens - 10 packs - FREE
Keebler Snack Crackers - $1.50 each package
Kelloggs Cereals - $1.67 per box
Gillette Deodorant - $1.21 each
Crest Toothpaste - $1.50 each
Always Pads - $2.00 each
Snack Pack Pudding - .75 cents each
Oust spray - .54 cents each
Herbel Essense Shampoo/Conditioner - $1.25 each
Aussie Styling Products - $1.25 each
Degree Deodorant - $1.50 each
Bic Soleil Disposible Razors - $2.15 each

Homemade Strawberry Jam

2010-06-14T16:06:00.002-04:00

First we started out with locally grown strawberries -

Then you smash them up -

Squeeze the lemons for the lemon juice -

Bring berries, lemon juice and pectin to a boil -

Add the sugar and boil -

Put it in the jars and in the processor & process -

Cool the jars for 24 hours -

We had so much fun making this jam. Honestly by the time you buy the berries (i don't berry pick, maybe next year), the jars and the other ingredients it probably is cheaper to just buy it....BUT....I know exactly what's in it and it will taste WAY better anyway!

So i had a surprise visitor...

2010-05-28T19:34:00.003-04:00

My uncle popped in today in the midst of me getting ready to go camping. I wonder why i never realized how much he looks like my Dad until today? It really took me by surprise. Probably looks more like him because he's growing out a beard and Dad always had a beard. I actually got a little teary and when i gave him a big ole hug my heart hurt for a little bit missing Dad. But i don't want to sound like i wasn't thrilled to see him, i sure was. Even more thrilled to hear he will be in the area a lot more very soon, I promised to make sure he had some good meals whenever he wants to stop in :-)

Gorgeous weather...

2010-05-22T08:06:00.003-04:00

This past week the weather has been fantastic and we've enjoyed quite a bit of time outside, here's a couple favorite pictures of Faith.

Next weekend we are heading up to Cranberry Lake for a long weekend, YEAH!

Some recent stuff....

2010-05-12T06:53:00.005-04:00

Let's see, my new obsession is knitting. Love it! I have tried many many many times in the past to learn to knit with absolutely no luck. BUT i finally got it...this is my latest creation a ruffle summer top for Faith.
Oh and did you notice she is quite the model, my yes, she just loves to model for the camera. Daddy says she's the next "maggie rizer", God, i hope not!

What else is new...camping season has begun -
Here's a new tire cover i made for the camper -

Busy as always sewing up a storm. Also busy getting ready for surgery, hope to have approval soon. I think that's about it. Memorial Day is fast approaching, we'll be heading to Cranberry Lake w/ friends to stay for 4 nights, that will be great fun!
I can't believe my little baby will be turning 4 soon, where did the time go?

Letting out my skinny girl

2010-04-26T08:32:00.001-04:00

I've opened up my blog to readers, i struggled with keeping it private or not. Since i'm just not a super "private" person i feel like i should just let it out there for all to read, it will help me be even more motivated.
Please feel free to take a look.
Letting Out My Skinny Girl Blog

Letting the cat out of the bag...

2010-03-15T07:32:00.002-04:00

I guess it's time to let out something i've been holding back for a few months. Yes i know me, holding back, so unheard of right :-)

Anyway NO I AM NOT PREGNANT! (yes that would be great but no that's not it).

I decided last fall to take a huge step in my life. I decided that no matter what I need to be healthy. I NEED to lose weight. I NEED to be the best mom I can be, and at my weight that just doesn't happen. SO....i began researching options and made the huge decision to get weight loss surgery. I found a fantastic doctor and facility and am currently working my way toward approval from my insurance. I have to do a lot of "hoop jumping" that includes 6 months of supervised "weight loss" with the doctors office. I also have had a full battery of testing. But i'm almost there. I am hoping for approval sometime in late May and surgery sometime in June if all goes well.

I did not post this here for debate purposes. I to, never in a million years would have thought this was something i would even consider. I always held the attitude that if you can't be commited to weight loss in the "traditional" sense then how could you with surgery. But, the more i researched the more i realized that the surgery is just a tool, like any other tool you have to use it and make it work. I am 100% committed to this surgery. Sure, i'm nervous about many things, the greatest of those being risking my life by having surgery. However, I am also scared of what being this overweight means - high blood pressure, diabetes, lifelong physical restraints and those things are WAY scarier. I need to be here for Faith, John and my entire family and the way I am headed i won't be for as long as I could be. Before Dad died, he expressed deep heartfelt concern for me to get this weight off and Dad, I'm gonna do you proud.

Stay tuned for more details to come.

Happenings at the Graham household...

2010-02-16T10:38:00.002-05:00

Faith continues to be hilarious! She's not very lady like though i must say, some of her favorite things to do are farting and burping, she thinks it's hilarious. She even called me into the living room the other night saying "mom do you smell that?"...I was thinking "what is it the stove?" I get in there and say "smell what" and she says (laughing) "my fart, it smells, can you smell it?"...ugh!
Not too much playing outside lately as it's been super cold and i've been sick on/off for what seems like the entire winter. Dance classes are going well for her and she really enjoys it. This week is school break so we are going to take a shopping trip w/ Grandma, Cheyanne and her friend probably tomorrow.

John's work has had it's usual issues, trucks breaking down, snow storms, etc. So he's stressed but we seem to find time to relax on the weekends which is good. He did work an extra day this past weekend because of all the freight back ups due to the big DC area storms.

I am sewing a lot. Be sure to check out my sewing blog for pictures of some of my recent creations. Also visit my store to see what's offered for sale there - http://www.SEWsationalsarah.com

Saving money means....

2010-02-04T07:54:00.002-05:00

Loving the dryer that was gifted to us FREE, instead of going out and buying one. However it's a hard lesson to learn for me. I'm trying to adjust to this dryer i really am. But it's old and supposidly a "high capacity" but it takes FOREVER to dry stuff and i just can't seem to get used to it. So now i'm doing smaller loads and drying them an insane amount of time. The biggest problem is that the timer only goes for like a maximum of 30 minutes? What's up with that....
BUT I am going to stick it out and try to not be tempted to say "to heck with it" and go buy a new one.

Money Savings

2010-01-15T16:09:00.003-05:00

So if you havn't heard i am quitting my job (again, i know why did i go back right?). John continues to think it's a bad idea because despite me showing him the many many many places we waste money and could save, he just doesn't think we (i should say he doesn't think I) can do it.
I had already implemented a few changes like using cloth napkins, wipes etc instead of paper towels. I sewed up a bunch of fabric i had on hand into "Unpaper towels", basically they are just a 10-12" square of cotton woven fabric backed w/ terry cloth, some with flannel. I have a basket on my counter stacked full of them and anytime i would grab a paper towel i grab one of these instead. I have a cloth bag that hangs on my stove so they go in there when they are done. About once a week i throw them all in the wash with my other towels. Works great and when you consider the cost of paper towels, it really is quite a savings.
I also have really made a concentrated effort to not purchase items without thinking first if it's something we really "need" vs. something i just want or "think" we "need". Faith has way more than enough clothes so i have forced myself to stop buying her more stuff just because it's cute or a good deal. Same goes for me, no more clothes for me, especially given that I am going to be staying home, i dont' need a "wardrobe" of stuff, knowing me i'll still wear the same 3 outfits anyway LOL.
I am trying to cook from our pantry more, and stop making trips to the store for certain items just because i want to make something. I'm doing my best to plan my meals around what we already have here on hand.
I have just started being more concious of the electricity usage as well. We are terrible about leaving lights on when we don't really need them on. I've also started using the timer on my dishwasher to run during the night when electricity is cheaper instead of during the day. I'd like to wait and do more laundry later at night but first i gotta get myself in more of a groove of staying up later instead of heading to bed shortly after Faith.
I've also set a goal of not purchasing any fabric unless i need it for a specific project that i am working on and will use it right away. I'd like to only purchase fabric and sewing items with money i make from sewing. So if i get busy and sew up items from my huge stash of fabric and get them listed in my store i can self fund my sewing addiction.
I would like to start making an organized meal plan for the month and shopping ahead more but first i want to clean out and organize our pantry/fridge/freezer and start fresh.
Stay tuned as I will try and update this blog occassional with tips and savings ideas i have come up with :-)

I'm so enjoying Christmas this year...

2009-12-24T07:32:00.001-05:00

Faith is WAY fun this year. She totally into all the "magic" of Christmas. She is just making the holiday so joyous this year, it's the first time in a long time i can say i'm really excited about Christmas.

Your most proud moment?

2009-10-29T12:03:00.002-04:00

A question was posed on a message board i belong to the other day. The question was "what was your most proud moment." It only took a split second for me to answer the question.
It was definately the first time i held Faith. I was proud of her of course, but also proud of myself & John for being able to persevere that long difficult journey to parenthood. I was proud of myself for doing all the things i had to do to get pregnant, stay pregnant and have a 100% healthy baby. Though i'd love to show you the picture of the first time i held her, it's not exactly appropriate for publication online for anyone and their brother to view, but here's the picture after we were all ready to take her home. Isn't she beautiful?

What was your most proud moment, share it here or on your blog.

WOW it's been a while...

2009-08-21T06:09:00.005-04:00

Well let's see Faith bug turned 3, i can't believe it. Where in the world did the time go?

We have done a TON of camping too. We went to Wescott's beach on Faith's birthday for a long weekend. Not a lot of swimming, it was really windy and a bit chilly for that, but they have an awesome playground that she loved and we did play in the sand some too.

Last weekend we camped at Nick's Lake in Old Forge and went to "water far-e" LOL she had fun with that.

Next weekend we go for a big 5 day trip to Fish Creek Pond with our friends the Marino's and Turner's. Should be a fantastic time.
Faith just got all signed up to take dance classes and gymnastics classes this year. She will have tap/ballet on Tuesdays and gymnastics on Thursdays, so that will keep us busy too.
I have gotten down to working about 3 days each week which works out pretty well. There is another per diem biller now so that makes it easier. It's still just a job, i mean i like the work but well work is work right? I am working on slowly cleaning out Faith's baby stuff. It's not looking all that promising that we will need any of it again so first I got rid of a bunch of clothes. Yesterday I sold the high chair and exersaucer to a girl at work. Next we'll get rid of the pack n' play, the car seats and maybe even the crib. Did i mention we moved Faith up to the high back booster seats? She's so tall that the other seats where really pinching her shoulders and legs, so we found a great deal on boosters and got them for all the cars (ours and mom's). *sigh* It makes me sad in a way not to have a "baby" anymore but she's SO MUCH fun now and such an incredible joy that the "sad" part only lasts a minute or two. She does remind me regularly that she is "mama's baby". LOL

Gabby said...

2009-07-12T04:50:00.003-04:00

I don't post enough here....okay after the birthday party today i'm sure i'll have a nice big post for you, K.
In the mean time enjoy a few photos of the girly!

Camping at Jacques Cartier

2009-06-13T07:44:00.005-04:00

Here are some pictures i took while we were camping this last week. It was a very relaxing time. Faith had a lot of fun playing. She has decided she does not like fishing. I caught a large mouth bass and she cried and cried when daddy was taking the hook out. She kept saying "daddy put him back". Poor thing.

The shipping channel goes right by the campground, it's so cool to watch the ships, we saw many!

FISHING -

There were tons of baby waterfowl. 3 different duck families and probably 3 different goose families. Faith loved going down to the water to talk to the babies :)

Faith rode her "bike" all around the campground. She also rode in her wagon and her car a lot.

How can you possibly beat this view?

Garage sales...

2009-06-05T04:57:00.003-04:00

Today is day #1 of our vacation. John will be home shortly and then we officially do not have to return to work until June 15th.
I am going to pick up some stuff I "pre purchased" from a yard sale yesterday, a Barbie Jeep and a 12" Dora bicycle for Faith bug. I'm super excited to get her more outdoor play stuff, she loves riding her tricycle and i just know she's gonna love her bike too (it has training wheels). It's also community wide garage sales in Carthage, so i hope I can hit a few of those between today and tomorrow and maybe find her some play clothes and other new toys, she's getting bored with her current toys so more would be good. Not to mention more stuff for our camper, garage sales are great places to find that kind of stuff. And besides being thrifty is in my blood, i can't help it. Thanks to my Dad I very early found a love of garage sales, one of my first memories is holding my dad's hand walking up a driveway to a sale :-) Not to mention the memories i have of going with my Grandparents too, Grandma used to let me sit on the "hump" in their old Dodge conversion van, she would feed me cheese crackers and zingers (the ones with the coconut on them), what an awesome Grandma. To this day when i eat zingers i think of her. I didn't know it at the time but my Grandparents used to buy us gifts from garage sales, i guess we didn't know the difference LOL However, one time Grandma bought me a "dress" that was really a maternity top LOL
I'll be sure to post my finds :-)

Dad...

2009-05-28T06:18:00.003-04:00

Missing him badly today. His long time friend Larry passed away, we didn't learn of it until yesterday. I guess that death just brought all the emotions flooding back, that and the fact that his burial is monday. Sometimes I just wish I could pick up the phone and call him, i miss talking to him so much. I so wish the last 2 years held better memories than hospitals and all the junk. But i do remember all the really good times and I just wish so badly he could share in them now. I thought of him a lot this weekend camping, silly but what made me think of him most was lugging around wood for our campfire. As a kid we had a wood stove and we always had to bring in wood. My dad had a joke that the until he was 10 he thought his name was "bring wood" LMAO.
Faith is so funny and always doing something so cute, it pains me sometimes that Dad isn't here to enjoy her, when i put her hair in pigtails i think of him. When i was pregnant (before we found out she was a girl) he had a dream of a blond haired girl in pigtails, he was so in love with her, as he was all the kids, it breaks my heart he doesn't get to see them grow up. Oh i know he "sees" them, but i guess the truth is it breaks my heart to not have him here on earth to share with.
Well i need to pull myself together, as much as i'd like to i can't sit in front of the computer crying my eyes out all day.

Camping weekend #1

2009-05-20T06:47:00.003-04:00

Was great...even in spite of the rain and wind we had a great time.
I actually didn't take many pictures, i always seemed to forget to grab the camera, duh on my part, but i know our friends did so i'll have to ask them to share. We are leaving Saturday for our next weekend adventure, this time to Cranberry Lake. We are taking Cheyanne with us and are expecting to have a great time!

Tomorrow is the big day...

2009-05-14T06:20:00.001-04:00

Our first camping trip begins tomorrow!!
We have been spending a lot of time getting ready. Today I will be packing up the camper stuff. Preparing food. And trying to keep a very excited toddler busy :-)
I'm sure i'll have lots of pictures, oh yeah gotta pack the camera :-)

Cancer sucks!

2009-05-10T07:13:00.003-04:00

A relative was just diagnosed with a very serious, very advanced type of lung cancer. It sounds like the doctors have an extremely grim outlook, she is going for a second opinion in Buffalo. And yes, she's a smoker, and to my knowledge always has been. PLEASE, if you smoke, if you know someone who smokes, encourage them to quit. This relative is only 52 (i think that's right) and she is way too young to die. She has 3 grandchildren, a 2 year old and a set of twins that are only a couple months old. Her son is getting married this year. It's just so sad to see someone get so sick from something like smoking. But then it also makes me think, I do something that i know is bad for me. I overeat, i don't exercise, i don't take care of my health in that way. I keep meaning to do something about it, but i just don't. I guess i have that mentality that nothing will happen to me. But you know, i bet that's how my relative felt too? Sure it might not be cancer, but it could be high blood pressure, arthritis, diabetes, other heart related ailments and any of the many many other diseases attributed to being overweight. It really makes you think. Since hearing the news about this diagnosis i find myself taking a moment to pray for them often through the day, please take a moment and pray for them too, thanks. And PLEASE don't smoke!

Ramblings...

2009-05-05T06:03:00.002-04:00

Up really early today 4:30 am. I'm hoping the trend continues that i do not need as much sleep at night to feel rested. Last night i went to sleep at 10, so what 6ish hours and i'm feeling pretty good. I think my new meds are helping, yeah! Now to get just a bit more motivated to do stuff before work than sit in front of the computer drinking coffee and browsing, LOL.
Yesterday my co-worker came back from maternity leave, PHEW. There was speculation that she wouldn't return and that made me nervous that i'd be asked to work full time all summer. So this week i'm working 4 days, next week 3 days. YEAH!
Next Friday we leave for our first camping trip. We are going to a state park with friends. Faith will have fun with her little friends i'm sure and it will be great to get away from home for a couple days and relax a bit.
My new "sewing" machine (it's a coverstitch but i know most of my readers don't really know what that is) is great. I'm learning it and for the small amount of time i've practiced with it, i am getting pretty good results. A bit more practice and I think i'll have it down.
Faith is very very very busy these days. Always up to something. Her vocabulary is amazing, but unfortunately she has picked up a couple words she shouldn't have. For example she got mad at her Daddy for taking away her toothbrush and came running to me and said "Now i can't brush my *damn* teeth". I scolded her of course, but OMG i admit it, i was laughing hard on the inside. She getting extremely excited about having a "camping party" with all her "friends". Have i mentioned that she thinks every kid is her "friend", it's adorable. We'll see total strangers and she'll refer to their children as her "friend". And even say "bye friend". I think it's adorable and good that she just likes everyone :-)
Missing my dad a lot lately, i know what a kick he would get out of her and how much fun they would have. But i also remind myself of how sick he was and how great it is that he doesn't suffer pain anymore. I know he's watching over us, but i'm still sad to not have him here. I still catch myself wanting to pick up the phone and call him to tell him something, or to ask him a question about something. I've been really struggling with the fact that I am 32 years old and already lost a parent, somehow it just doesn't seem fair at all.
My brother's health is on my mind a lot lately too. His hips are both shot and he is facing hip replacements hopefully sometime over the summer. He has other problems as well, all caused by years of hard work doing construction. He finally had to call it quits working a bit ago, he just couldn't do it anymore. I worry for his family finances, i worry for his wife and the stress this is causing them both. I am hoping that he gets approved for worker's compensation to cover not only lost wages but to pay for the surgery he really needs. He's only 42, too young to have such health issues.
Well i suppose i should go and get ready for work. Lots of work waiting for me, catching up on stuff that has gotten piled up, makes the day go faster though. I do find myself fretting at work about the things waiting at home though, hopefully now that i will have an extra day or two each week to stay home, i will get more caught up and feel more at ease about it.
Later y'all, gosh you sure can tell i'm a hick :-)

So what's new....

2009-04-22T05:58:00.003-04:00

Mom, Chey, Faith and I went to PA last weekend. We had a really good time. Faith really loved riding in an Amish buggy, our guide was a young Amish girl and she was very informative and fun. She explained a lot of the Amish culture to us. And she was super sweet and even picked Faith right up after and took her to meet the horses. During the ride Faith stood behine Elsie's seat (she was the Amish girl) and just watched in awe that horses were pulling us, she LOVED it. She also loved the old fashioned steam engine we rode on, she loved when they blew the whistle at the crossings. We had lots of other fun too. I spent Saturday afternoon playing mini golf with Cheyanne while grandma and Faith napped, that was fun. Except i was in the sun too long and ended up with a horrible rash, yes I'm weird, i'm allergic to the sun. If i'm in it too long i get this nasty bumpy rash, like hives and it itches like MAD. It's finally starting to settle down the last day or so. I also was very good and didn't buy too much fabric while i was there.
I really restrained myself quite well and in celebration of that I just bought a coverstitch machine. This will be my third "sewing" machine. This one does the finished hems like on RTW (ready to wear) clothing. It's going to make my homemade garments much more professional looking. I got a great deal on it and am very excited for it to arrive.
In other news, I am still working full time. Though I am hoping that will be ending soon. The girl that is off on maternity leave is supposed to be coming back on May 4th. I say "supposed" to be because there is speculation amongst the staff that she won't come back. I actually really do enjoy the work i do but i am longing to work part time. I really despise working every day and not being home getting things accomplished. I have already expressed to my boss that if for some reason she doesn't return I still do not want to say full time. My boss also mentioned me learning another billing area, medicare, which is fine but i plan to tell her, though I am willing to learn it, i only want to be a fill in person, i do not desire full time work at this point. I know it probably sounds crazy to some to not want to work, with the current economic situation i should be thankful i have a job, but I have learned since having Faith that there is way more to life than money & a career. Being a mom is and always will be more important than money or a job.
Well speaking of said job, i really should get ready and get Faith up and ready as well.
In parting here's a couple pictures taken during our trip - enjoy!

She's here...

2009-04-14T05:01:00.001-04:00

The camper that is, not sure why she's a she, but she just is....
We had supper in there last night, i promised Faith we would, it was fun.

More sewing today...

2009-04-12T18:56:00.001-04:00

Cute shirts and a nightgown.
Sewing Blog

I DID IT

2009-04-11T07:40:00.000-04:00

I finished the quilt...see my sewing blog for pictures.
SUSHI QUILT

Last minute spring break trip...

2009-04-10T05:21:00.002-04:00

Mom and I were talking tuesday, i think it was, about the fact that we havn't made a trip to Lancaster PA (we've mentioned it several times but just never done it). We want to hit the fabric shops for one thing, as well as do some fun stuff with the girls. SO, we decided to just go during Chey's spring break from school. So we are leaving Thursday the 16th and coming home on Sunday the 19th. Short trip but should be plenty of time to do the things we want to do. It's really the first time i've seen mom really "light up" about doing something. I really think with everything we've been through this last couple years it will do us good to get away together. It will be just the girls, me, Faith, mom and Chey. I think it will be a great way for us to connect as a family and have a bit of fun. Faith is very excited about going to "pen vania" and riding a train. There is this old steam engine that you can take a ride on through Amish country, John and I did it when we visited a few years back, it was fun.

Also exciting coming up is the fact that John will bring home our camper on monday! We are really excited to get it here and be able to start loading it up with stuff for our first big camping trip with his May 15-17th with some of our dearest friends. Then we go again the next weekend to Cranberry Lake for Memorial day w/ cheyanne going with us. Then during John's vacation in June we have planned a 6 day camping trip up on the St Lawrence river, at one of the state parks. You can watch the freight ships go by as the campground is right on the shipping channel, cool huh. Faith is so excited about her "camping party's". LOL everything is a party to this girl! I think we should be a bit concerned about that, but for now it's cute.

Beyond miserable...

2009-04-05T17:50:00.001-04:00

I have a beyond miserable little girl. She had a pajama party with her Grandma last night. It actually was all the girls and grandma. Cheyanne, Lori (my neice) and Faith all stayed with my mom. I think they had fun but Faith is SO tired. She didn't sleep well at all and because we were super busy today, she never got a nap. Needless to say she's wandering around MISERABLE right now.

Sometimes it sneaks up on you...

2009-03-29T18:05:00.002-04:00

I have been a bit emotional lately, not feeling well, stress and what not all boiling up on occassion. Today I sat in my parent's garage in my dad's old chair and just let it out for a while. I miss him so much....

Good Christian Panties ...

2009-03-26T06:23:00.001-04:00

You have to see this, you know me i don't post it unless it's GOOD!
Good Christian Panties

Where does the time go??

2009-03-23T06:28:00.002-04:00

Time is just flying lately!
This weekend was a flurry of activity. Saturday i went to the church and did quilting with some ladies there, it was fun and i'm getting closer to be finished with my cousin's wedding gift, I had no idea it would take this long, but it is looking so beautiful, i'm very proud of it. We also talked about the possibility of getting together more, which i think would be great.
Sunday we had church. Then we signed our paperwork for our new camper, but i was bummed we couldn't look at it again cause they had locked it all up and put it out in the storage area, and it was so cold we didn't want to walk all the way up there and potentially through mud to see it. We'll be getting it mid april, so excited.
Then we stopped to see some friends for a few minutes. Then to dinner with my MIL and her boyfriend. Then grocery shopping. Then a couple more errands and finally HOME. PHEW!
Seems like in some way or another every weekend is like that lately, so much catching up from during the week. But maybe being busy is a good thing too, right? I am not convinced of that yet.

Our new "toy"...

2009-03-14T18:38:00.003-04:00

We did it, we bought a camper. After 2 years of looking, debating, putting it off we bought this beauty.
The pictures are some stock photos of the same model and set up, only difference is ours has slightly different fabric. They don't show the bathroom but it's to the right of the bunk area in the back, the toilet/shower are actually "in" the bathroom, the sink is to the right of the door (behind where the door opens) which is a little different but i like it because it makes the bathroom a little roomer than most campers.
Anyway here it is :

So where the heck have i been?

2009-03-14T05:53:00.002-04:00

Honestly just working and trying to squeeze a life in after that. I'm gonna be honest it was a lot easier working when i didn't have a child and i honestly dont' like working, again don't mind the actual job just hate the guilt and chaos of it all.
I also have not been feeling good at all lately. I think the stress of dad's illness and death, combined with John's aunt's illness and death, combined with going back to work stress, has made me have a major flare of my fibromyalgia. I don't talk about it a lot because many people (even doctors) don't believe it's a "real" illness, so i tend to not mention it much. When i first went to college I experienced the normal transitioning stress, friend/relationship stress, etc and just got feeling so sick. At first doctors thought depression, took meds for that but the pain in my joints & muscles just didn't go away. Finally my mom took me to a rheumatologist, initially thinking I may have inherited her Lupus. But the rheumatologist did a bunch of tests and concluded that I had fibromyalgia. She put me on many different meds, which helped a bit here and there. But after a while i just felt like the meds didn't do that much to help so i just kinda "lived with it" all this time. I've found ways to modify things I do, and tricks to help the pain, like hot showers and meditation like therapy to help relax and rest. Many things go along with fibromyalgia like having very restless sleep being one of them, that's been a problem now for 6 months or more. There's other fun stuff too like an irritable bowel & bladder (which is why i know where just about every public bathroom is). The worst of it though is definately the joint & muscle pain, which has been getting progressively worse for going on about 2 weeks now. Don't get me wrong, i pretty much have pain all the time but it's very tolerable and managable w/ a bit of motrin, hot showers, occassional massages, etc. But boy the last two weeks it's just getting BAD. I have been taking more motrin than i'd like to (since it's so bad for your stomach) and the discomfort has really made the working/home situation worse. I dont' know if I should try to go see the rheumatologist again after all this time, and see if maybe she can help (but i hate going to doctors so i don't know). For now I guess i'm taking a wait and see and hope it gets better approach.

On a happier front I think we are going to just take the plunge and buy a camper this year. We have put it off now the last 2 years, but we want one so badly. We want to spend a lot of quality time with Faith. And we want the ability to get away from home and do something really relaxing as much as possible. I think it will be a huge benefit to our family. Last fall we said we would definately do it this spring, but well you know what happened to the economy since then, so we had put it on hold again. But we decided we are going for it. Our car is officially paid off in a month. With me working full time right now it has given us the ability to save up some money as well as pay down some debt. We also decided we can give up other things in our life to make the camper dream happen. So we'll be working on that over the next couple months and hope to camp all summer and part of the fall probably too.

What's new with Faith E...

2009-03-01T07:48:00.002-05:00

Faith is fantastic. She's so grown up. Talks like CRAZY and is learning to be a total smarty pants. She's also learned how to make mama feel guilty. This week Faith has learned the button to push to make mama feel guilty. The other days she said "i don't wanna go grandma's i want stay with you mama" and then that night she said she wanted to "sleep mama's bed" and of course i said no (i finally broke her of sleeping with me quite a while ago) anyway she responded "but i miss you mama" so of course she got to sleep with me right LOL Yesterday morning in the sweetest little voice she said "you don't go work today mama?" and i said no and she said "good" and smiled. Stinker.
She can count forward to 12 and backward from 10. She knows the ABC's and gets them right for the most part, she sometimes skips one or two. She knows all the basic colors. Right now we are working on shapes and she's got the basic square, circle, triangle. Now i'm trying to get her to know oval, heart, rectangle, star, etc. She loves to sing. She also loves to read, her favorite story (the she repeats all the time to herself) is 5 Little Monkeys Jumping on the bed. She also has a very very creative imagination she often reinacts her favorite episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Tigger & Pooh.
She is just barely 26 lbs (depends on when you weigh her LOL) and she is 36 1/2" tall, I can't believe how tall she is. She now has a 14" inseam which means her waist can fit in 18/24 clothing but she needs size 3T for length. So shopping or sewing for her is a real challenge right now. I don't have much sewing time working full time right now so i've had to buy her a few things so that when we go out and about she's not wearing "high waters" LOL I hopefully will only be working part time by late spring and i'll have more time then to sew for her.

Great day yesterday...

2009-03-01T07:12:00.002-05:00

We decided to take off and go to Syracuse and do a bit of shopping and have lunch. I wanted to take Faith to Carosel mall to ride the carosel and go to build a bear, but we ended up over on Erie blvd to eat so we just decided to go ahead and go shopping over there. First we went to that HUGE Barnes & Noble, OMG book heaven, without a 2 1/2 year old i definately would have stayed in there longer (and spent more money i'm sure, so maybe not staying too long was a good thing?). Anyway i got this book Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld, at the sledding party last weekend someone had made some cookies from this book that had of all things chick peas in them, and OMG were they ever good. So i just had to have the book. I read through most all of the recipes last night and OMG is it ever a great cook book. So many sneaky was to get fruits and veggies into your food. We are definately going to be trying it out.
Faith had a ton of fun playing in their kids section. They have a train table which she really liked, would have liked it more had there not been a little "bully" standing there too, telling her she couldn't do anything. I was in awe that this kids parents were close by and not saying a word about him being so mean to my little princess. So i loudly said "It's okay Faith you can play with the train too, go ahead". ARGH some people annoy me. Anyway she got to pick out a book and she picked out a Little Golden book (remember those?) about a bear going to bed, can't remember the exact title. I also picked up two homeschool workbooks, one on the alphabet and one on shapes/colors. John got a really neat almanac book of facts, in my opinion great bathroom type reading, however I never get to stay in there long enough to read more than a sentance LOL

We then went to the shoppintown mall, which i must say seems to be on it's last legs, there was one whole wing of empty stores (for the most part). I don't know if they are planning to redo it or something? But i got some AWESOME deals on a few things for Faith. She has suddenly outgrown her 2T pants and desperately needed some. At Gymboree, my absolute favorite store for little girl clothing, i got her 2 pairs of pants, 2 matching shirts, hair clips and sunglasses for $35 total. For those of you familiar with Gymboree this is a steal. I have made a deal with John that if I shop there I will ONLY shop the clearance rack and that's what i did, worked out great. Then he wanted to go to Sears, so I figured i'd at least browse their kids section. Found her 2 jackets in size 3T one winter reversible and one fall/spring weight reversible. They were $7.99 each!!! $7.99 OMG i freaked. I so wished they'd had 3T snow pants, because those were on sale cheap too, but alas no 3T. I love love love getting good deals LOL.
Not much else to report from the other stores but Faith had fun. We had fun and it got us away from the house for the whole afternoon.

On another fun front we are currently planning a summer getaway for early June, i know not really summer but it will be fun none the less. We had so wanted to get a camper this year, but we are trying really hard to follow the sensible part of our brains on this one, and in this economy not make a major purchase like that. So since we won't be camping this year, we are going to take at least one longer vacation and maybe a weekend or something closer to fall. It's so fun to plan :-)

Recent photos

2009-02-21T19:40:00.002-05:00

Ski mask i whipped up tonight for a sledding party we were invited to tomorrow, she really needed something to cover her nose and cheeks, i'll have actions shots tomorrow hopefully.

I came home last Saturday to find Faith and Dad taking a nice snooze together in the chair.

Tub Time, with cheese.

My little Valentine, I made the outfit and just love it.

What? You don't wear your underwear with your boots?? (on the wrong feet i might add)

How to deal with extreme disappointment? I'm at a loss...

2009-02-21T07:05:00.004-05:00

I am having an especially hard time deal with something right now. It's a huge disappointment that I just can't seem to get passed. I just feel so down about it that it feels like it's consuming me. I've been struggling for a while, and sometimes it's better but then inevitably something comes up that makes my heart broken all over again. I've been trying really hard for about a month now to just let it go, be happy and blessed with what i have and not feel cheated. I have been trying to enjoy the blessing I have and be content. But how does one become content without something that their heart and soul yearns for? It wasn't so long ago that i felt complete, that no matter what happened i would be satisfied with what i had. But for about 2 years now I have been feeling the exact opposite.. feeling so strongly that another blessing would enter my life. My heart is ready for it, my mind, body and spirit are ready for it. But it just doesn't happen. And time and time again i feel extreme disappointment. But then at the same time I'm mad at myself for feeling that way. Why should I be disappointed, i have one huge blessing and i should be thankful and just enjoy that blessing, right? Then there is the jealousy that makes me totally ashamed, but it's there and I just can't seem to help it. It seems nearly every day there is a reminder of someone, somewhere who doesn't even want their blessing, someone who doesn't take care of, love or enjoy their blessing. Then there are the reminders of those that have been blessed many times, without even giving it a second thought. And while i'm thrilled for people that don't struggle like i do, it also throws the question out there of "why not me?" It's not that I'm not thrilled for those with many blessings, or those that are satisfied and content with what they have. But i crave that, i want to be satisfied. I wish i could find the peace that many have about this, the contentment to just live a normal life without this "thing" constantly hanging over my head. I've prayed and prayed and prayed the following -
Lord, if it's not meant for me to be blessed again in this way, please help me find the contentment and peace that's needed at this time for me to deal with this feeling of almost constant disappointment. Please help my heart to heal and not yearn for something i will never have. Please help me not feel left out, sad, disappointed, jealous when faced with situations where others have more than i do. Help me instead focus my energy on enjoying my own blessing and making her life exciting, fun and positive. Help me put my energy to good use and not to continue to feel depressed and useless.
So that's my prayer and hope, but it just seems to go on, nothing changes, i hope every day to find the "secret" to this dilema but it doesn't come. I hide it pretty well, i think anyway. I do my best to keep my negative sad feelings hidden, i don't want to be one of those bitter people, i hate being negative and bitter, it's just not part of my personality. Sometimes I feel like i'm hiding this nasty secret part of myself and I guess the reality is that short of times where i just can't take it anymore I do hide it. Sometimes the worst part of this is the shame people make me feel for feeling this way. Sometimes even my own family makes me feel bad for feeling this way. But how on earth can one totally completely ignore a desire that just burns inside their heart?

So, this week was a pay week..

2009-02-14T06:52:00.002-05:00

That helped me feel really good about working, even though I am still having a lot of reservations about the missed time with my family. I was able to pay my babysitter (she's pretty cheap, she'll only take $50 a week). I also paid our car insurance bill for the next 6 months and still have $100 left over to save. So i was really pleased to see me helping out with the bills.

I think it's looking more like the full time hours won't last long though and I'm totally fine with that, honestly i'd love to just work 2-3 days a week. I think I can easily be happy with no time too. The reason i think it won't stay full time for much longer is that there is another biller coming back to work at the end of March. Plus when the girl that's going out to have a baby comes back there really won't be any work for me. So i figure enjoy the bigger checks while they last (I'm guessing maybe through the end of March) and put the money to good use and then just see what happens.

This weekend will be hard...

2009-02-10T06:36:00.002-05:00

Saturday is Valentine's day. Normally no big deal, i just get irritated that John forgets to even get me a little card until the last minute, but hey, he's a guy right.
But this year, it's the first year without my dad. It would have been his and mom's 34th anniversary. I know it's going to be terribly hard on my mom. They got married on Valentine's day, i can't honestly tell you that they had any real "reason" for doing so, but i always have thought it was sweet. Mom's wedding ring is beautiful, not at all traditional, it has cut out hearts all around the band, very unique.
Also 8 years ago when i was just turning 24 (my birthday is on the 19th) John proposed and gave me a beautiful engagement ring. The diamond is held up on each side by a heart w/ a small diamond inside. I just love my ring, and the thing that makes it hard this year is I'm remembering the night he proposed and how thrilled my dad was. He just loved John so much, took him right under his wing and treated him like his own son. He was so happy for me, for John and the whole family that night. I just remember the joy in his face and his voice. Oh dad, how i miss you.
Anyway back to topic. I've been trying to come up with something I could do to make the day a bit easier for my mom. Then i realized nothing is going to make it easy, but that I certainly can't let her sit around and be lonely and sad. John and I decided to take her and Cheyanne out to a really nice dinner Saturday night. I'm also going to order her a single yellow rose (her favorite) I think, i havn't decided for sure, i'm worried that will make her more sad. What do you think??

John's aunt passed away

2009-02-03T18:30:00.000-05:00

I feel bad for not posting sooner, but John's aunt passed away last evening. I had already logged off the internet for the night and then this morning totally forgot i didn't update my blog.
As sad as we are that she is gone, we know she lived a very good life and is now out of pain & sickness.
Her funeral will be Saturday.

We can't catch a break....

2009-02-01T06:55:00.002-05:00

Home ownership is great. But note to self, don't buy an old house that you know is going to have more repair needs then a newer home. Now if John didn't 12+ hours every night monday-friday it probably wouldn't be as huge of an issue. But with him working nights, and trying to play catch up on everything on the weekends it's just not good.
For some reason it seems every sunday morning lately we wake up to one issue or another that just can't wait. A couple weeks ago it was the septic, something HAD to be done, no choices there. Before that we had snow blower issues. Before that there was lots of other stuff.
The newest thing is the roof. History - we had leaking issues before and the roof has been repaired in the fall of 2007. We had no issues with it that winter. But here we are again. It's the roof over the bathroom, it has to do with the way this house is designed and the pitch of that roof being less, plus it gets pounded with snow sliding from the upper roof. Anyway with all the snow this winter so far i guess it was bound to happen. John has been cleaning it up as best as he could when the snow was getting too built up. Just yesterday he cleaned off alot of snow, but underneath there's a thick layer of ice.
Anyway i got up about 1:30 this morning and the bathroom ceiling was leaking :( So he's got to get up there and break ice off, which will mean a lot of work with a sledge hammer or the like.
Not how we wanted to spend our "family weekend".
To add insult to injury (one of my dad's favorite phrases) John's aunt is on her way out. We got the call yesterday that she wasn't doing well and the family was gathering. So we went up to see her, she is definately way way downhill but as I learned from my experience with my Dad's death, sometimes it can take quite a while for the process to complete. So also on our minds and in our prayers is an easy/painless passing for his dear aunt.
SIGH.

First week of work...

2009-01-31T07:04:00.002-05:00

Well i've already told many people this so it might be a repeat for you but anyway....
It's not the job I am minding, that's going fine, i actually enjoy it. I've been doing 2 main projects. Dental billing which i find fairly straight forward and not too difficult once you get the hang of it. The other project is looking at old accounts, it really makes my eyes buggy, but i am helping the other girls that don't have time to follow up, so it's a good thing.
The thing i do not like is the missed time with my family. I'm really upset about it honestly. I know it will get easier but this first week was certainly hard. I feel like the time i do spend with Faith I am always rushing her, or I'm tired/she's tired and we are both grumps. And we hardly saw John before, now that's even worse.
My day consists of getting up (between 5:30 and 6), getting ready, getting something premade for dinner (crock pot or whatever), getting Faith up and ready. We have to be out the door at 7:25 at the latest to get her dropped off and me to work. Then i get out of work at 4, rush to go get her and get home (around 4:30). Finish whatever is required for dinner, we try to eat between 5 & 5:30 so John has enough time to get ready for work. (he gets up around the time we get home). He leaves between 6:30-6:45, which means by the time we eat and he gets showered and ready, he only really spends a few minutes with Faith. Then her bedtime is 7:30, so after daddy gets off to work i have to get her bath and settled in for bed. Just not really much family time at all :(
The other thing is I am just so tired at night, i'm fine in the morning, but by 8 at night i'm ready to sleep myself that i go to bed.
I am sure it will get better, and for now it's going to help a lot that I am working. The good thing is that Faith really likes going with Grandma and there are no issues there, so i don't think it's really bothering her like it is me. However i must say I am questioning how long I would want to keep working full time, i'm thinking i will be thrilled when they want to cut me back to part time.

$5 dinners

2009-01-25T07:39:00.003-05:00

Why havn't i seen this blog before? How cool is that...I saw lots of neat recipes.
$5 Dollar Dinners

Took Faith...

2009-01-22T07:14:00.002-05:00

I had said i wouldn't take Faith to see John's aunt Helen. I was so concerned that she would want to visit papa and would get upset when he wasn't there.
I had to take mom to the eye doctor yesterday and it's in the building attached to the hospital. I said "I'm going to go see Helen, do you want to go?" and of course she did.
So on the way upstairs i just said, you know Helen lives where papa used to right? Papa isn't there anymore, you know that right? Papa is in heaven now, right? She responded "Uh huh" or "Yeah" to everything. We got up there and she was totally fine.
She didn't mention papa or try to go to where his room was or anything. I asked her where papa lives now, and she said "heaven".
So as usual i didn't give my kiddo enough credit, she gets it, i was avoiding taking her for my own pain, not hers.

Monday is the day...

2009-01-22T07:09:00.002-05:00

I went and did almost all my paperwork yesterday. I still have to get my "physical" tomorrow morning hopefully. Then i'll be all ready to go back to work. I'm still up in the air about it, but i think once i'm used to it, it will be okay. I'm surely more worried about leaving Faith than she is. She's totally excited about going to Grandma's. She's already asked me about a million times if "I go to Grandma's now?". I've gotten her to bed earlier all week and she's now sleeping from between 7 & 7:30 till between 6 & 6:30. So that should give me time at night to do some cleaning up and getting ready for the next day. Then some time in the morning to get her up and at it before we have to leave.
Overall I guess i'm still feeling very indifferent about it all. I'm still worried that in the long run it won't really be worth it, but we'll see.

So i think i'm starting to panic...

2009-01-20T06:14:00.002-05:00

Why did i take a job? What was i thinking? How can i do all this when i am so used to having so much freedom of my time. Faith and I literally do what we want every day, all day long. I'm starting to realize how much i'm going to miss that. I don't want to take the attitude that i'm going to just hate it, because then i will. I want to be positive about it and think that maybe it will work out good. I hate feeling like I'm only doing something for money. I'll be the first to admit i'm not the greatest "stay at home wife & mom". I am just not all about cleaning, the house is generally a wreck. But i've gotten so used to doing other things, especially sewing lately. When will i find time for that now? And what about laundry? I'm terrible at keeping up with it, is it only going to get worse?
I talked to my good friend Tracy last night. And we talked about how it's very important to have a routine. She recently went back to work after staying home with her little one for several years. Though the talk cemented what i already knew (that we would have to live a much more regimented way), it also made me more depressed. In a way i just hate the thought of doing a "go go go" all day long, all week long. I'm actually kinda hoping this job ends up being 3 or less days a week, so we have a couple free days during the week. But even if I do, i'll be playing catch up all the time. The weekends too.
I don't know, maybe i'm being overdramatic about the whole thing. Maybe it won't be that bad. I guess we'll just see.
I have started menu planning, something i've always wanted to do but never implemented. So this week we are eating from a "menu". I grocery shopped yesterday and made sure i had everything i needed to make all the meals this week, and wouldn't need to make any extra trips to the store. Also 3 nights this week I am making "extra" food, either extra cooked meats, extra sauce or a casserole to freeze. That will help make nights go quicker if I can just defrost something like meat sauce while i'm at work, come home and put together a quick goulash or spanish rice.
I'm trying to get "caught up" on things around the house too. I have some sewing i've got to do, none of it will take a super long time. I have of course got a lot of laundry to do, which i need to include pulling out my "dress" clothes to have for working. Now y'all know me, i don't really own "dress" cloths but you know my nicer stuff, not the sweat pants and t-shirts i wear most of the time lately.
Well i've let this post get too long. I guess my point is, this week i am trying to prepare myself to be a working mom & wife. I'm praying the transition goes easier than I'm anticipating.
Oh and I didn't mention, John is pretty much feeling the same way I am. He is partly glad I am taking a job, you know the $$ thing. But he's also pretty sad and nervous about how it's gonna work out. He'll likely not see Faith much at all during the week, probably never in the mornings I work and at night he has to get up, eat, get ready, go to work, not much quality time. We've been trying to come up with solutions for more time for them.
Okay nuff whining, on to some work. Well maybe one more cup of coffee....see, i just don't know...

So i have a job.

2009-01-16T12:54:00.002-05:00

Well my old boss just called and offered me a job. No interview or anything just flat out offered me a job. Which is cool.
I have mixed feelings. On the one hand i just love being home with Faith, and hate the thought of working a regular job. But at the same time we can use the $$ - we can pay off some bills sooner and save more too. I basically am looking at it as I can always quit later if it really isn't working out.
So i'll be doing dental billing and comp. & no-fault billing at the hospital. It will be 8-4 (no nights, no weekends) and probably about 3/4 time for now and later on it may be just part time, who knows at some point it might even be full time. The rate of pay is good and I pretty much know what I am getting into. I know i probably won't like many things, but at the same time I can endure. Maybe it will be good to be out in the workplace again and with "adults".

Check out some recent sewing...

2009-01-13T17:56:00.001-05:00

RECENT SEWING

I've gotten a lot accomplished the last week or so, and i posted some of my favorites in my sewing blog. Check it out :-)

Struggling...

2009-01-09T07:58:00.002-05:00

I admit it, i'm struggling. I know part of it is my sadness still but the other part is my lack of sleep (which could be related to all the leftover stress). I can't say i've slept good in probably 3 weeks. I am struggling each night with insomnia. Then when i do get to sleep i have wacky dreams the whole time. Crazy stupid wacky dreams. Like last night John and I were going on some sort of "mission" on a ship. My midwife and favorite nurse from my doctor's office were with us? What in the world we were going to do i have no idea. But there was lots of packing and discussions about going on said "mission". Whatever....
It's so hard to be energized to get a good days work done when you are tired all day. Not only tired, but not rested. To me there is a difference between "sleeping" and being "rested". I could be rested after a few short hours of deep sleep, but i'm not getting that at all, so each day i wake up feeling totally restless and in many cases more tired than when i went to bed.
I'm going to give it one more week of trying to change around my eating/drinking habits, taking my medications earlier and other lifestyle changes to see if I can get some sleep. Then i'll have to give in and go see someone about it. Sigh...

I don't understand the Amish?

2009-01-07T08:02:00.002-05:00

Amish File Lawsuit

I skimmed this article, i admit to not reading every little detail but i just don't understand how they can justify placing a lawsuit against anyone? They don't agree with our legal system? Don't adhere to the building codes and I assume other laws, so how can they then turn around and use said legal system to justify their religious beliefs not to? It makes no sense to me at all?
Same question arose recently when there was a case of a 2 year old needing life saving heart surgery. The amish will agree to some medical treatment, i've actually seen them at my pediatricians office with their children. I've heard they get vaccinations even. But they wouldn't allow for surgery, something to do with because it was the heart? Regardless again it doesn't make sense?
So what is their religion based on ? I mean you'll use what you want of the "english" world, but you will ignore other "things" based on your religious beliefs. ???????????????

Here we go again :(

2009-01-03T08:08:00.003-05:00

We knew it was in the works for a bit now, but John's aunt has been placed in a nursing home. The same nursing home dad was in, the same FLOOR dad was on. Don't get me wrong, i'm glad she's where she needs to be. And I am confident it's the best possible place for her to be. I know they will take such good care of her. But at the same time it's so so so hard for me.
I'm posting about this here because it's just not fair to talk to John or anyone in the family about, it's just too selfish. I want to try and go to see her, but at the same time i terrified of how i will react to being there again? I want to be there for John, i want to be supportive of what he is going through right now, but the selfish part of me just wants to stay away. Helen was like a second mother to John. He spent a lot of time with her because his mom was single and working. I know that for him this is very similiar to the situation with my dad was for me. You hate to see someone you love be old, weak and pretty much out of their mind. It busts your heart open. I want to be there for him, but my own wounds are still so raw, that i don't know if I can be.
I absolutely flat out REFUSE to take Faith there, and I'm sure everyone will understand why. In my mind I can just see her screaming and running for Papa's room. I can't take having to yet again explain to such a little girl that papa is gone forever. I want her to remember him but taking her there will only confuse her more. I am even afraid of the next time i take her to the pediatrician's office downstairs in the hospital, will she insist on going to see her papa?
Anyway i am struggling. I know John will probably want to go and see Helen today, and like i said, i want to go, i want to be supportive, but at the same time i want to stay home and hide from my emotions.

**Edited to add i went, it went okay, i had a couple teary moments but for the most part held it together very well. The girls were happy to see me and i got some hugs, it was nice to feel cared about. Helen doesn't really like being there but that's to be expected, i think she'll adjust.**

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T07:04:00.002-05:00

Well here it is 7 am and I'm the only one up. But that's okay, gives me a bit of time to reflect on what i am hoping for this year.
First and foremost I really am hoping to day by day heal my heart from all the pain and loss associated with my Dad's passing, i know it will take time but I'm hoping that each day i can feel just a bit better. I know he's with me and always will be, but it's still so hard.
Secondly, we need to eat healthier. NO, this is not some sort of I want to lose weight resolution (though of course i would love that). It's just a goal to improve the way we eat around here. Less convenience food - either fast food or prepackaged stuff from the store. More fruit, veggies and whole grains. Less soda, more water. That kind of thing.
Third, we need to become more active. I don't want Faith to end up one of those lazy overweight teenagers (like i was). I want her to enjoy going for walks, riding a bike, playing outdoors. I don't want her to sit in front of a TV playing a video game or watching shows all day, every day.
And finally my greatest and most fervent wish for this year is to be blessed with another child. I don't know if I will still seek treatment with the fertility clinic as planned late "last" year. Or if I will just hope and pray for a miracle for us. Right now my pain is too raw from my Dad's passing to deal with trying to conceive. But in a month or two i am sure i will feel differently. I can't believe God would put such a strong desire in my heart for another child if I wasn't meant to have one. So hopefully in 2009 some direction is gained in this area and by the new year, 2010 we are on our way to adding to our family.

Ramblings...

2008-12-27T06:35:00.002-05:00

So you can now follow me on Twitter - FaithsMommy

I really love it. If you are unfamiliar with it, it's like a mini-blog, quick little "ramblings" when you have a second to update. Now for you more techno-savvy folks, you can also use your iPod and phone (i think) to update. I however as you know can barely send a text message, LOL.

Christmas Day was great. We spent the whole day with family, had a nice meal, though the prime rib wasn't what i thought it would be, it was good, but well just not as "wow" as I had hoped. But i didn't ruin it, that's the important thing. We played some cards, played with Faith and her new toys and in general just had a good time.

Christmas night in bed, i finally let it out and had a really good cry with John. I had been telling everyone for 2 weeks "i'm fine" "i'm doing okay" blah blah, and just holding it back, or having short little cries and then pushing the feelings away. So i finally let it go and honestly it felt pretty good to get it out. I'm still horribly sad, and i know i will be for a long time, but i let some of the bottled up emotions out and it felt great.

We have had one issue after another with something breaking or needing repairs. It's actually in a way becoming comical (though I tend to find more "humor" in it than John). We been having ongoing issues with our septic, that seem to flare up every few days, really no fix until spring when we can assess what the true problem is, we are hoping it won't require a whole new septic. Then my mom's snow blower was in need of a good maintanance, so John was working on that. In the meantime our snowblower has stopped working, lovely. Then the roof over our front porch started leaking, so John had to shovel it off. Then our shower handle broke, we only have 1 shower/tub so it had to be fixed, no waiting. Our living room lamp (the only one in there) suddenly shorted out entirely and needs to be rebuilt. Oh and my mom's tree next to her drively split off 2 larger branches (it's one of those cedar trees that's like a clump of several trees in one).
So needless to say, John has been busy in one way or another lately. Though i somewhat find humor in it, and short of the snow blower I don't think any of the repairs will be major ones (though we just aren't sure about the septic yet). However John gets himself very worked up over these things, which isn't good, but it's just John i guess, that's his way.

Well that's enough rambling for today, i gotta go get my first cup of coffee.

Oh one funny about Faith. When we are out in public and have to use a "big" potty, she always says "momma will hold you?" and i always do of course, she's so skinny there's just no way she wouldn't fall in if i didn't. Anyway last night before bed i'm on the potty and she comes over and "hugs" me and says "it's okay momma i hold you, so you don't fall" LMAO, she's so cute!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

2008-12-25T06:20:00.001-05:00

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas. I'm missing my dad something awful of course, but i'll make it through. He'll be here in spirit i'm sure helping me with my prime rib, he was always my "go to" for any cooking question, so today for the first time i'm flying "solo" on a big meal. Dad I miss you so much!

Keeping busy is definately helping...and other ramblings.

2008-12-21T18:42:00.003-05:00

Today we cleaned up some more, put up the tree. Then we went to pick up Faith and Cheyanne at mom's. Fought the storm to Carthage and back - not horrible thanks to our 4-wheel drive truck, i can't imagine what it would have been in a car. There was at least 6 inches of snow on the road i would say.
When we got home John and the kids put some ornaments on the tree. I made a homemade pizza for lunch. After lunch i put together some meatballs & sausage w/ sauce to cook in the crock pot for spaghetti dinner. Then i made banana bread. Then i made dough for my Grandma's filled cookies.
Tired yet...LOL
In the midst of all that I folded 3 loads of laundry, and washed and dried 2 more loads (I still need to fold those).
After a brief break, i cooked the spaghetti for supper and we all ate. It was yummy!
Then i rolled out and cut out the cookies and baked them. YUMMY.
They are filled with a mincemeat & orange marmalade mixture. They were one of my dad's absolute favorites, i'm sorry I never got them made before he passed away.

Also on my mind is the fact that I am probably going back to work. Do i absolutely "need" to go, no. But i want to. I want to help pay off some of our debt and have some extra spending money so that we don't always feel guilty spending. I think this will also help out my mom as she will be my babysitter. I'll pay her (probably nowhere near what she deserves but some anyway) for one thing and also it will be fun for her to have Faith with her more often, she likes that. So i put an application in at my previous employer and talked to human resources. It shouldn't be a problem to pick up something there. I'll take anything in my field right now, depending on hours. I can deal with odd hours for a bit if i have to, but ultimately i'd like to find something with a regular schedule.

Also i think the baby "making" is on hold again. I just am too spent with everything else that has gone on lately to worry about having another baby right now. I'm emotionally exhausted and just can't keep taking the stress of trying to conceive and feeling like a failure. So for now it's going to the back burner for a bit.

Well last batch of cookies is done baking and i think i'll call it quits for tonight.

Don't forget to check my sewing blog for pictures of Faith's clothes i made her for Christmas.

More progress...

2008-12-20T13:29:00.002-05:00

Check out my sewing blog to see the holiday stuff i completed this morning. Now i am moving on to laundry and cleaning. Hopefully the tree will go up tonight. Then on to cooking and baking.
Sewing Blog Click Here

Making progress...

2008-12-19T14:49:00.002-05:00

I *think* i'm done with shopping for presents. Though I do have 1 present i need to do a bit of sewing on, though it shouldn't take long. I also have 1 outfit and 1 nightgown to sew up for Faith, again shouldn't take too long.
I am making headway in the laundry, though i'm still several loads behind, but we're getting there.
I took care of some odds/ends running around today.
I am also starting on some cookies, however i think i want these more for myself today than for Christmas. The recipe is SUPER easy and fast, and they smell awesome though I havn't eaten any yet.
Recipe is -
1 box chocolate cake mix
1/2 cup butter, softened/melted
2 eggs
1 cup chocolate chips

Mix cake mix, butter and eggs until smooth. Stir in chocolate chips. Drop by spoonfuls onto ungreased cookie sheet and bake 8-10 minutes at 350. Let cool on cookie sheet for 5 minutes and then remove to wire rack to cool completely.

Easy Peasy!

Trying to chug along...

2008-12-17T16:13:00.002-05:00

It's hard, sometimes i just get really teary. A picture. Something Faith says. Something I'm doing. But I am trying to get back to "normal". We need to have Christmas, we need it for our family. So i did a bit of shopping. Trying to get the house in order, so we can get up at least the tree. I'm extremely tired. And not feeling 100%, not sure what's up, other than i figure it's just the stress of everything.

HUGE thank yous to all my wonderful blog reading friends. You've all been great!
Not to mention all my IRL friends, family and neighbors who have sent cards, messages or just encouraged me. I couldn't make it without that support, i know that.

All went well...

2008-12-16T08:05:00.002-05:00

The last of the calling hours and the funeral went very well. The hardest part was when the last we "saw" him before the funeral. As a family we said our goodbyes. Faith told papa bye bye, gave him a kiss and in general just broke our hearts, as it was so pure and innocent, she of course had no clue what it "really" meant. When the funeral started, she of course was showing off a bit. She said "papa needs medicine?" and I told her "no, papa is all better now" and she said "okay". Again so sweet, so innocent.

The gathering after at Dave's house was so packed with family and friends. So much food. Every party or get together, no matter what the occassion I always worry that there won't be enough food. Thanks to the ladies at church and several good friends, neighbors and family, there was plenty. And there will be plenty for days, which will make it easier for all of us. Good friends are such a blessing!

I know the next few days especially will be hard for my mom, so we'll be helping her out. But now I also have the task of trying to get ready for Christmas, I don't want it to be ruined, especially for the kids.

So far so good.

2008-12-15T07:54:00.001-05:00

Calling hours went well. The funeral home did an exceptional job at making dad look good. Faith "talked" to papa many times through out the night. She would just climb up on the kneeler and rub his arm and say "hi papa" and things of that nature. She kept telling us that "papa likes I rub his arm". SO very sweet!

I'm sure today will be harder, saying goodbye, never to "see" him again. Super emotional for sure.

Watertown Daily Times...

2008-12-13T19:20:00.004-05:00

More like Watertown Daily Screw Up!

I'm so upset that they apparently feel the need to rewrite obituaries instead of simply using what the funeral director sends. First of all they felt it necessary to include my dad's ex-wife, it really doesn't matter, they were on good terms so it's not a big deal, but what if it was something he didn't want? How is it their judgement to determine how one's life story should be summarized?

What I'm angry about is the major screw up of the calling hours and funeral. We purposely did an evening calling hour time on Sunday night so that people that can't get away on Monday from work would be able to pay their respects. Then on Monday a short calling hour with the funeral to follow. Simple. But the Watertown times in "rewriting" the information completely ommitted the Sunday night calling hours and instead said the funeral was Sunday the 15th at 1 with a calling hour beginning at noon. Never did they mention the evening calling hour, nor the proper funeral day of monday. ARGH! The funeral director was going to call and get them to reprint the obituary. I am going to be really mad if they just do one of their little "blurbs" at the bottom that says something to the effect of "because of a submission error, blah blah". Noone really reads those little tiny corrections. I will be very upset if people travel a distance at noon tomorrow only to find the funeral home closed and noone around.

However KUDOS to newzjunky.com for not only getting the information listed right away, but also just using what the funeral director submits. They don't feel it necessary to rewrite or make their "own" news story. And some people wonder why online services are becoming the norm, and the traditional "paper" is failing? Online news sources find you the information you need, post you stories that matter and dont' spend a day diggin up totally worthless garbage to just fill up their paper.

Dad is gone...

2008-12-11T22:41:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to update quick for those that are getting your updates here.

Dad passed peacefully around 8 pm tonight. My brother and mom had just left, we feel he was waiting for them to go.

I went back up with my mom and John joined us. We said our goodbyes. We will be making arrangements tomorrow.

Thanks again for the prayers and support through this long process. I do feel at peace that Dad is no longer suffering.

Change...

2008-12-11T07:18:00.001-05:00

Mom came home last night as Dad wasn't waking up at all. She needed to rest so she could go back up today as I have a puking, feverish toddler to deal with. Anyway she got a call at 4am that Dad's breathing has "changed". I'm sure it's not a change for the good, i will know more when i get up there but i expect maybe we are getting closer to the end. I know it sounds terrible to hope this is the case, but if you saw him you'd know why i feel this way. I will update when i can. For now John is home with Faith, hopefully her throwing up with subside. I am trying to keep her to the BRAT diet, but it's so hard with a toddler that is hungry and doesn't understand that some things will make it worse. Poor kiddo.

I can't help but wonder what it's worth?

2008-12-09T16:21:00.003-05:00

*i apologize up front for the rambling and whiney "poor me" attitude of this post*

What is the extra time with Dad worth? It's breaking all our hearts to see him like this. It's so hard on mom physically, mentally, emotionally. Well it's hard on all of us that way, but of course mom the most. Last Weds. we didn't think he'd make it even through the day and here it is the next Tuesday and he's still hanging on. The majority of the time he's completely "out of it". He's getting a bit combative, he doesn't want the oxygen on, but without it his levels drop and he gets even more aggitated. For a day or so he was just mostly sleeping, which is also really sad, especially when you find yourself watching him breath and thinking "is that the last breath", it's horrible. There's just no "good" way to see someone you love so much, dying. I have to say this slow drawn out process just seems so much harder. We have experienced a sudden tragic death, John's friend was killed 5 years ago in a tractor trailer accident. It's equally hard to say goodbye to someone when they die suddenly, but i have to say this slow painful goodbye is most definately worse. But then again maybe i only feel that way because that's what I'm currently dealing with.

Again i just want to say thanks to all those who are praying for our family and for dad. I also want to thank all those who have babysat & offered food and other help. It really means a lot to have friends that you can call when you need to decompress before you explode from the emotional exhaustion.

Still holding on...

2008-12-08T07:39:00.003-05:00

Dad is just pretty much sleeping all the time, if he does stir or wake up he's very confused. He's not eating or drinking a whole lot.
This is definately the hardest thing i've ever experienced in my life. It's -12 here this morning and i have to get Chey to school. Then i'm hoping it will warm up a bit before I take Faith and go see him for a while. Will update as I can.
Again thanks to all my friends and family for their prayers and encouragment, it's appreciated so much.

I am better...dad is the same

2008-12-06T07:43:00.002-05:00

I think i had a migraine and that my fibromyalgia has flared up badly. I had a splitting headache and nausea - definate migraine symptoms for me. My chest is sore, but it's muscular sore which is a sign my fibro is flaring, as is all the "all over" achyness. Today i'm better, still sore and my chest is still sore, but my headache and nausea is gone so that's good. I'm certain it's not the flu.
I did go see dad for a bit yesterday, took Faith. I wasn't sure if I should, but she was a good girl. She showed him the picture she made. Sat on the edge of the bed with him. Rubbed his legs and arms. She kissed and hugged him bye, and he seemed to know she was there, i dont' know.
Not sure what the plan is today. Dave stayed last night and said Dad kept trying to get up in the night, thinks he needs to get out of bed for some reason. He's still pretty much just confused and out of it. I'll probably stay tonight with him. I'll have to see what John wants to do when he gets home here soon.
Anyway, that's where we are at. I just hope and pray he's not suffering. I don't think he's in pain, they are giving him pain medication, so that's something.

So i woke up sick...dad is back downhill

2008-12-05T11:06:00.002-05:00

I woke up in the night with a fever and a horrible headache. Still not feeling at all well. I want to try and get out and go see Dad as from what i understand he's back downhill again today. He had a fever in the night too and hasn't woken up much today. I feel awful mom was up there all night and has been alone all that time. But i've got such a headache and nausea i just don't know if i can go out. I am praying this isn't the flu that it's just stress related or something. I can't be sick right now.

Dad is better today...

2008-12-04T16:45:00.001-05:00

No explanation can be made but he's better today. Talking more, not so "out" of it and sat up and ate his lunch even. Doctor really isn't sure what the deal is. So we'll see what happens. Mom went ahead and headed home to get some sleep. I'll update when i can.

Dad

2008-12-03T17:59:00.001-05:00

Isn't expected to make it much longer. We sat with him all day and mom is going to stay with him tonight. Doctor basically said he didn't think it'd be longer than a day if that.

So now Dad may be "sick" "sick"

2008-12-01T16:47:00.002-05:00

Yes obviously he's been sick for quite some time but now it's possible he's got the flu or something of that nature. I guess he's running a fever. I thought at first he just thought he was sick because he's so run down, but mom said they did run a flu test or something. So now i have the added burden of do i take Faith to see him and risk her getting sick? She had her flu shot. I certainly don't want to keep her away if I don't have to. I certainly don't want to stay away. I want to see him for however much longer i have. Of course there is also the looming fact that if he is in fact sick with the flu, this could be the end for sure.
This afternoon i would have loved to just dig a hole and hide for a while. I just can't face anything right now, it's too hard. Some days i'm okay and accepting of what's going on, other days i just feel so incredibly lost.

Thankful...

2008-11-27T18:51:00.000-05:00

for each day we have with my dad....

Homemade Chicken Broth

2008-11-27T18:33:00.002-05:00

Okay so the other day in the market I needed chicken broth. I went to pick up a can at 99 cents and thought, 2 cups of chicken broth for 99 cents? Why am i wasting money on something I can make. So....here's what I did.

I unthawed a chicken (it was two 1/2 chickens i had bought on sale for $1 a lb - $4). I cut up 2 onions, 3 carrots and 3 stalks of celery (or was it 4) - approx. $1 worth of vegetables.

Put it in my largest pot (which happens to be my canning pot, with the jar holder removed).

Added about 8 quarts of water.

Boiled it all together for an hour or so (honestly couldn't tell you how long it was, till it looked done - don't you love my cooking methods LOL)

Separated out the chicken and vegetables -

Here's my nice batch of broth - i should say the first batch.

Then i cooled everything and picked off the chicken to store for a later meal (honestly could be 2 meals really, since there's just 3 of us).

Then on to the second batch of broth. I took the chicken bones, and the vegetables again and boiled another smaller batch of broth.

Here's the totals - 1 large package of chicken picked from the bone. 40 cups of broth in various containers and bags frozen for later use. For $5 and some of my time.
This would have cost $20 at the store just for the broth (approx. 99 cents a can x 20 cans) and the cost of the chicken $4. So in the store $24.
Can't beat $19 savings right?

Stay tuned for more adventures in "making it cheaper than the store".

Much more productive today...

2008-11-26T15:11:00.002-05:00

I have gotten dishes all cleaned up, and then more after that (i cooked).
I have folded 3 loads of clothes that were already clean/dry. Then I have washed/dried 3 loads of towels, still have to fold 2 of them (they are finishing drying).
I made a HUGE batch of chicken broth, i will be posting about this in the next couple days. (hence the additional dishes)
I cleaned the entire bathroom including sweeping and mopping.

Cheyanne is here for the night so i'm not sure what else i'll get done, sometimes her being here helps, sometimes it doesn't. So we'll see. I feel better knowing I got the worst of it taken care of. I hate feeling like a slug but well it's hard not to lately.

Feeling lazy...

2008-11-25T15:41:00.002-05:00

I can't seem to get motivated to do a darn thing today. I have a sink full of dishes calling my name. Laundry up the wazoo. My carpets are in need of vacuuming. There are toys strewn about. The bathroom definitely needs a good scouring. But here i sit, typing a blog post. I guess when there is so much sad stuff going on lately it's just hard to really care about little things like laundry, does that make any sense?

Dad ...

2008-11-21T13:42:00.002-05:00

Dad has decided to stop treatment. I respect his decision and totally understand. He will get pain medication for comfort, they will monitor his sugars to make sure they don't get too high (i guess that can create pain?) and basically eventually he will just fall asleep and not wake up. We are all of course very very sad, but well death is part of life, he's very tired and has very little quality of life. I will be trying to spend extra time there. The time estimate is pretty much anytime, maybe as long as Christmas or a little longer, it's really just not "determinable" based on his multiple medical problems. Please keep my family in your prayers, i feel the love around me and that definately helps through the toughest times.

So it's my blog anniversary

2008-11-21T09:10:00.002-05:00

I've been blogging for a year, pretty cool eh?
I have nothing really interesting to post about, nothing "anniversary" worthy. So we'll just leave it at Happy Blogaversary!

Can you dream smells?

2008-11-20T07:37:00.002-05:00

Okay this is something i've wondered for a while. I often will be woken up in the night smelling something - toast, coffee...usually something food related. Sometimes it's another smell like perfume. Well last night I smelled cow manure, ewww. Woke up and was like "Oh great what did the dog do". I recently started letting him back into the whole house since the mud finally froze up and he's no longer tracking it everywhere. Anyway, came downstairs and nothing. I was apparently dreaming the smell of cow poop.

How weird am I??

Okay I'm gonna try to post something positive...

2008-11-18T19:01:00.003-05:00

As the depressing news continues to circulate i just feel like i need to try and be positive.

*Faith is spending the night with Grandma and Chey. I think it will be good for mom, she's been so stressed and Faith is most definately a source of joy. Plus it gives me a chance to get caught up on a mountain of things that need to be done here. First up is laundry. However i don't know if chores are "positive" so i will move on.

*Despite the fact that it is 24 degrees outside right now, it is 76 degrees in here. Now i know that probably sounds outright ridiculous to many, but we have to keep it very warm in the living/dining room in order for the upstairs to stay a decent temperature too. So it's nice and toasty and I'm glad about that.

*We found the source of the mysterious "footprints" all over our vehicles. The neighbors cat got into our garage friday and was apparently too afraid to leave or something. We had "mysterious" cat prints all over our vehicles both saturday and sunday mornings. The funny thing is we looked all over for the darn thing (knowing that there wasn't a "ghost" cat in the garage leaving footprints on the car), John and I both looked all over and couldn't find it. We came home Sunday night, he flicked the light on and there is this big white & gray cat in the rafters over his truck, afraid to get down. It's a "BIG" cat, how did we miss it? I'm sure he wasn't up there the whole time, since he was busy leaving footprints everywhere but still where in the world was he hiding?

*I have some really fantastic friends. They have been so great about talking to me, letting me vent, letting me cry. And just totally understanding how broken i feel, it's so nice to know someone understands and cares.

*I have an absolutely fantastic little girl. She's so smart and so funny. She is getting to be such a big girl that it sometimes makes me sad. But she's also becoming so much FUN! She never forgets anything either, if you make the mistake of mentioning going somewhere, she will just keep bugging you about it till you go. Annoying, but funny at the same time.

Okay well reading back through this is more of a general chit chat than a "postive" post. But well it is what it is, i tried. Off to fold laundry.

My goodness, will it ever end?

2008-11-17T07:40:00.002-05:00

Mom told me last night that my uncle (my dad's youngest brother) told her that he has prostate cancer. We don't know many details yet, and he has asked that we not share this news with Dad, he feels that Dad has more than enough on his plate to worry about and doesn't want to add to it. I respect that and in a way thank him for that. I'm sure we'll find out a bit more today when we can talk more. I gotta tell ya I'm looking for something good to come, please God send something positive our way, please!!! I'm pleading.

Isn't this FANTASTIC

2008-11-14T16:29:00.000-05:00

First Female 4 star General

My posts are so sad lately...

2008-11-13T19:05:00.002-05:00

But my aunt just passed away. She was in her 80's and had been sick for the last few months with some sort of brain tumor. Not a big shock that she passed, but sad none the less. I have to confess i've been wondering who would be first. There have been 3 very ill in our family. Her, my dad and John's aunt. I sure hope this is the only funeral i have to attend for a while. Of course my first thought was "oh no, but at least she's out of pain" and like a girl, my second thought was "do i have anything to wear?". Bad I know...but true too.

A little SPAM

2008-11-13T18:27:00.001-05:00

Check out my store, i'm stocking a few handmade items on Saturday.
SEWsational Sarah

I feel so defeated (a long sad vent)...

2008-11-11T13:13:00.003-05:00

I am having a bit of a break down, no not a serious one but just need to vent.

The situation with my dad is so upsetting i can't tell you how much i'm hurting. I feel like i'm just waiting around for him to die, which in a way i guess we are (after all we are all going to die some day right). But, the thing is when you see him he doesn't seem "that sick". Yeah sure he's weak, but it doesn't seem fair that he can't get better. I just feel so defeated.

Then there's the whole trying for another baby. John isn't super supportive about it, he says there's just too much going on right now. At first his resistance didn't bother me, cause well that's just John, he behaved the same way before. Instead of admitting his fears he gets defensive and what not, i'm used to it. But then there was the hard reality of just how much it would cost us to do more fertility treatments. So then we thought well we'll take the "low cost" route and just do some medication treatments. So today i went to pick up a progesterone prescription. That was a big thing when i was pregnant with Faith, i had to take a lot of supplements. Anyway it was $176. I was like "nope never mind". I will shop around and see if i can get it somewhere for a reasonable price but still. UGH. Again I just feel so defeated.

Then there is all the other every day stuff. The mountain of laundry. The muddy floor (thanks to the dog and our lovely weather). The need to cook and clean and carry on with life in general. I don't know I guess i just feel defeated there too.

Even my favorite hobby, sewing just seems like a chore right now. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. But i can't, i have to go on, i have to at least try for Faith, for John, for myself. But it's so hard, it's just too much. I feel so defeated...

Updates...

2008-11-10T19:22:00.002-05:00

Saw the RE today, for now we are taking the most basic (aka cheap) approach to try for another blessing. If you want details just ask, otherwise i won't bore you with the blah blah blah's of fertility treatment. But please say a prayer that we either are lucky in conceiving soon or that we figure out how to cope with having an only child. I just don't feel my heart would feel such yearning for another baby if it wasn't meant to be.

In other news. The PA stopped in to talk with Dad and Mom today. Dad had another episode of chest pain this morning while getting dressed. Basically he said things are progressing faster than they had expected, meaning Dad is going downhill faster than they had anticipated. I don't know exactly what this means, but i know it's not good news. The only good thing i can see from this is that Dad and Mom did talk about things that need to be done, and he did seem to be in an okay frame of mind about it. So there's that. My heart is broken and aching and dread the phone ringing sometimes, worried it's bad news. Well can't post more about that now cause i'll just start another crying fest and tonight i just don't want to do that.

Tomorrow is Veteran's Day so make sure to thank a vet for your freedom.

Off to try and spend some quality time with my little monkey.

Dad update...

2008-11-07T15:21:00.002-05:00

Well unfortunately it's not a happy update. It's looking like Dad may never come home. I hate to "say" it outloud and have been avoiding it for so long. But it's time to come to terms with it I guess.
Mom spoke with his doctor yesterday regarding his extremely low platelet count. At this point that is concerning but since he's having no bleeding issues it's okay (platelets are what clots your blood). The more concerning issue is keeping his white blood cells up, with cold/flu season here it's important for him to not get sick.
They also discussed him coming home. We had been hopeful that this would happen before Thanksgiving. None of us were really sure, he's so weak and Mom wouldn't be able to handle it all herself. We kept convincing ourselves that we could do it.
So, mom asked the doctor her opinion. She said at this point he's just too weak, he would need a nurse pretty much all day/night and it's just not feasible. Plus the huge risk of more falls and injuries would be so great at home. Also he'd be at more risk of picking up a cold or infection at home, though sometimes i honestly think you get more sick in a hospital (but that's for another post some other time). Anyway the doctor was against him going home right now.
It's a definate blow to us all, but I can't say any of us are really surprised. I think we've all been avoiding saying it "out loud" all this time. We've never really made a big attempt for his room to be "homey" for him, we just didn't want to admit he'd be "living" there.
He's been there now over a year and may never come home. I keep telling myself that trying to make it real. Trying to be strong, trying not to cry. It's so hard to make my life go on when his is slowly draining away. I HATE IT!
I hate what this last year and 4 months has done to my father. I know he was never truely a "healthy" person, but it's so hard to see every ounce of his spirit sucked out of him. It's so hard to be there on the "bad days" (like today) when he's depressed and blue. Today he hardly talked. Faith was able to brighten him a bit, but even that just wasn't the same. I just don't understand why things like this happen, why people have to be sick or failing in health. What's the lesson to be learned? What's the point? Is it to make us all greatful for the days we have? Should be celebrate each moment, sure but how can i when my Dad is so sad. How can i possibly be truely happy each day and make my life meaningful while he suffers? I feel like i'm constantly having to push those bad feelings to the side and force myself to be joyful.

It came, it came! My pottery!

2008-11-06T15:52:00.002-05:00

Since John doesn't read my blog i put his mug in the picture too, it's a Christmas gift from Faith.
Isn't it beautiful!

PHEW!

2008-11-04T15:39:00.001-05:00

My sewing machine is fixed. It was the timing, it was off and the belt was loose. Thank goodness they were so great about getting it right in and fixing it. No charge, that was nice too. Of course while they were looking at it i went to Walmart and bought a bunch of Christmas fabric and then to JoAnn's and got a bunch of flannel. But it's all stuff i'll use and it was all on sale. Now i gotta get my scissors from upstairs (i was hand sewing in bed last night, what a chore hand sewing is). I can't go get them right now and wake John up, so i'll have to sew after Faith goes to bed. Anyway, she's fixed!! WOOT WOOT

Sewing....

2008-11-03T13:23:00.002-05:00

Okay so i just put the sewing machine needle into my finger, boy did that feel good....
then i got some fabric caught, it jammed up while it was supposed to be sewing, and when i got it all cleaned out now my bobbin thread isn't getting picked up....ARGH!
I'm taking a break and then goign to follow the instructions for taking the bobbin case apart and cleaning it. I cannot be without my machine right now so please say a sewing machine prayer that it's not broken and going to have to go for service.

***EDITED to add***
it's broken....I am so upset and frustrated. I will have to take it in to the dealer tomorrow. I am hoping they can look at it right away and it's an easy fix. I NEED my sewing machine. It's not a want, it's a NEED I have way to much going on that needs to be completed to not have it.

Some recent pictures.

2008-11-02T06:52:00.003-05:00

I think they are all pretty self explanatory.

Mother Nature Defeated Me

2008-10-29T08:29:00.003-04:00

I'm feeling very let down this morning. I am supposed to be on my way to Syracuse for my consult with Dr. K. But here I sit. The driveway is impassable. John had no choice but to take the truck to work last night. Here's what mother nature was so kind to leave us. My guess is we got well over a foot here in the "bridge".

And here's a picture from yesterday when it first started snowing. Faith was so excited she sat in our front window for the longest time watching it "no". Of course all she would wear all day yesterday was Elmo panties, would not get dressed, bet the neighbors think i'm the mother of the year.

1:16 am

2008-10-25T01:19:00.002-04:00

And i can't sleep. Dont' know why, just can't. Fell asleep with Faith about 9:30 and woke up around 12:30 tossed and turned and got up at 1, just not tired. Sigh.

awwwwwwwwwwww....

2008-10-20T20:20:00.003-04:00

Mom finally downloaded some pictures off her camera she had been hoarding....LOL....and these two just melt my heart -
Faith's first Halloween -

And her first Christmas Eve -

2.99

2008-10-20T20:19:00.001-04:00

Gas is finally below $3, John told me on his way to work it was $2.99 at Stewarts in Carthage (he had to go the long way to work, long story). Anyway i'm thrilled to see it down that much in such a short time.

I love the thrift store

2008-10-17T15:11:00.001-04:00

Faith and i headed out to the thrift store this morning. I took in a small bag of clothes and a few toys we didn't need. I got $28 in store credit, yeah. I found a small wooden table for $3.99 and 2 Little Tykes pink plastic chairs for $10, no they don't match the table, but who cares, it's somewhere she can sit and color or have a snack. I also found an awesome pair of snow boots for like $4 and a heavy Land's End sweater for $2.99. So i still have a little bit of credit there, got rid of a few things we didn't need and brought home a few we do.
LOVE IT!!!

General Ramblings...

2008-10-15T07:50:00.002-04:00

I just feel like "talking" this morning. So here are some general ramblings.

*It's 2 weeks until my fertility doctor consult. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. I think now that Faith is out of diapers it just makes my heart ache even more for another baby. Yes I have thought about all that "baby stuff" like lack of sleep, colic, teething, etc and it all makes me smile. SMILE. Can you believe that? I actually WANT to do all that stuff again.

*Faith has become obsessed with riding the 4-wheeler. She will say "outside, ride daddy's wheel-her". And once you tell her she can, you'd better take her out right then, do not tell her later, it won't work. She will bug you and bug you and bug you, until you take her out to the "wheel-her". LOL. Also if you make the mistake of telling her you are "going bye bye later" she will bug you incesantly with "we go bye bye now".

*Potty training has been extremely successful. Since last Monday (9 days) we have had only 3 accidents, all of them poop accidents, 2 were honestly "didn't make it in time" accidents the other one she just never told me she had to go. She is also "holding it" for 2 days before she will poop, she apparently doesn't want to go so she is just holding it, which hopefully she will learn isn't the right thing to do, for now i just keep trying to encourage her. She does very well when we go places, we take her potty seat with us, or as she calls it "big girl". LOL. She has also been dry in the morning for 2 whole weeks now, I'm wondering if I should just go to training pants at night now, but i'm so nervous that when i do that she'll have her first "accident" and it will send her back into not wanting to use the potty/big girl pants. Well that was way more than enough about the potty huh...

*John has gotten home really early from work the last two mornings. It's nice but seems strange in a way too. Last night Faith kept saying "daddy no go work". It breaks my heart.

*I am doing a ton of sewing lately. I am finishing up a lap quilt i made for my cousin for her wedding. I will be putting the batting and backing together w/ the quilted top this weekend and hopefully get it all quilted and out in the mail by the end of next week. Her wedding is the 26th, we had hoped to go (it's in DC) but we just couldn't afford the extra expense or stand to leave Faith here or for that matter subject her to an 8+ hour drive & wedding events that she wouldn't probably find very boring. I'm also doing a lot of clothing sewing for various trades i have going on for Christmas gifts. I just finished 3 more nightgowns. I am working on a pair of flannel PJ bottoms w/ an applique shirt. I have a couple other items all cut out and ready to sew up also. I'm really thoroughly enjoying sewing. I will be adding more photos to my sewing blog soon.

*I'm much more enjoying the weather we have had lately, i like cool crisp mornings, warm days, cool evenings. I know soon it will just be cold all the time, i love fall.