Isn't this FANTASTIC

First Female 4 star General

My posts are so sad lately...

But my aunt just passed away. She was in her 80's and had been sick for the last few months with some sort of brain tumor. Not a big shock that she passed, but sad none the less. I have to confess i've been wondering who would be first. There have been 3 very ill in our family. Her, my dad and John's aunt. I sure hope this is the only funeral i have to attend for a while. Of course my first thought was "oh no, but at least she's out of pain" and like a girl, my second thought was "do i have anything to wear?". Bad I know...but true too.

A little SPAM

Check out my store, i'm stocking a few handmade items on Saturday.
SEWsational Sarah

I feel so defeated (a long sad vent)...

I am having a bit of a break down, no not a serious one but just need to vent.

The situation with my dad is so upsetting i can't tell you how much i'm hurting. I feel like i'm just waiting around for him to die, which in a way i guess we are (after all we are all going to die some day right). But, the thing is when you see him he doesn't seem "that sick". Yeah sure he's weak, but it doesn't seem fair that he can't get better. I just feel so defeated.

Then there's the whole trying for another baby. John isn't super supportive about it, he says there's just too much going on right now. At first his resistance didn't bother me, cause well that's just John, he behaved the same way before. Instead of admitting his fears he gets defensive and what not, i'm used to it. But then there was the hard reality of just how much it would cost us to do more fertility treatments. So then we thought well we'll take the "low cost" route and just do some medication treatments. So today i went to pick up a progesterone prescription. That was a big thing when i was pregnant with Faith, i had to take a lot of supplements. Anyway it was $176. I was like "nope never mind". I will shop around and see if i can get it somewhere for a reasonable price but still. UGH. Again I just feel so defeated.

Then there is all the other every day stuff. The mountain of laundry. The muddy floor (thanks to the dog and our lovely weather). The need to cook and clean and carry on with life in general. I don't know I guess i just feel defeated there too.

Even my favorite hobby, sewing just seems like a chore right now. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. But i can't, i have to go on, i have to at least try for Faith, for John, for myself. But it's so hard, it's just too much. I feel so defeated...

Updates...

Saw the RE today, for now we are taking the most basic (aka cheap) approach to try for another blessing. If you want details just ask, otherwise i won't bore you with the blah blah blah's of fertility treatment. But please say a prayer that we either are lucky in conceiving soon or that we figure out how to cope with having an only child. I just don't feel my heart would feel such yearning for another baby if it wasn't meant to be.

In other news. The PA stopped in to talk with Dad and Mom today. Dad had another episode of chest pain this morning while getting dressed. Basically he said things are progressing faster than they had expected, meaning Dad is going downhill faster than they had anticipated. I don't know exactly what this means, but i know it's not good news. The only good thing i can see from this is that Dad and Mom did talk about things that need to be done, and he did seem to be in an okay frame of mind about it. So there's that. My heart is broken and aching and dread the phone ringing sometimes, worried it's bad news. Well can't post more about that now cause i'll just start another crying fest and tonight i just don't want to do that.

Tomorrow is Veteran's Day so make sure to thank a vet for your freedom.

Off to try and spend some quality time with my little monkey.

Dad update...

Well unfortunately it's not a happy update. It's looking like Dad may never come home. I hate to "say" it outloud and have been avoiding it for so long. But it's time to come to terms with it I guess.
Mom spoke with his doctor yesterday regarding his extremely low platelet count. At this point that is concerning but since he's having no bleeding issues it's okay (platelets are what clots your blood). The more concerning issue is keeping his white blood cells up, with cold/flu season here it's important for him to not get sick.
They also discussed him coming home. We had been hopeful that this would happen before Thanksgiving. None of us were really sure, he's so weak and Mom wouldn't be able to handle it all herself. We kept convincing ourselves that we could do it.
So, mom asked the doctor her opinion. She said at this point he's just too weak, he would need a nurse pretty much all day/night and it's just not feasible. Plus the huge risk of more falls and injuries would be so great at home. Also he'd be at more risk of picking up a cold or infection at home, though sometimes i honestly think you get more sick in a hospital (but that's for another post some other time). Anyway the doctor was against him going home right now.
It's a definate blow to us all, but I can't say any of us are really surprised. I think we've all been avoiding saying it "out loud" all this time. We've never really made a big attempt for his room to be "homey" for him, we just didn't want to admit he'd be "living" there.
He's been there now over a year and may never come home. I keep telling myself that trying to make it real. Trying to be strong, trying not to cry. It's so hard to make my life go on when his is slowly draining away. I HATE IT!
I hate what this last year and 4 months has done to my father. I know he was never truely a "healthy" person, but it's so hard to see every ounce of his spirit sucked out of him. It's so hard to be there on the "bad days" (like today) when he's depressed and blue. Today he hardly talked. Faith was able to brighten him a bit, but even that just wasn't the same. I just don't understand why things like this happen, why people have to be sick or failing in health. What's the lesson to be learned? What's the point? Is it to make us all greatful for the days we have? Should be celebrate each moment, sure but how can i when my Dad is so sad. How can i possibly be truely happy each day and make my life meaningful while he suffers? I feel like i'm constantly having to push those bad feelings to the side and force myself to be joyful.

It came, it came! My pottery!

Since John doesn't read my blog i put his mug in the picture too, it's a Christmas gift from Faith.
Isn't it beautiful!

PHEW!

My sewing machine is fixed. It was the timing, it was off and the belt was loose. Thank goodness they were so great about getting it right in and fixing it. No charge, that was nice too. Of course while they were looking at it i went to Walmart and bought a bunch of Christmas fabric and then to JoAnn's and got a bunch of flannel. But it's all stuff i'll use and it was all on sale. Now i gotta get my scissors from upstairs (i was hand sewing in bed last night, what a chore hand sewing is). I can't go get them right now and wake John up, so i'll have to sew after Faith goes to bed. Anyway, she's fixed!! WOOT WOOT

Sewing....

Okay so i just put the sewing machine needle into my finger, boy did that feel good....
then i got some fabric caught, it jammed up while it was supposed to be sewing, and when i got it all cleaned out now my bobbin thread isn't getting picked up....ARGH!
I'm taking a break and then goign to follow the instructions for taking the bobbin case apart and cleaning it. I cannot be without my machine right now so please say a sewing machine prayer that it's not broken and going to have to go for service.

***EDITED to add***
it's broken....I am so upset and frustrated. I will have to take it in to the dealer tomorrow. I am hoping they can look at it right away and it's an easy fix. I NEED my sewing machine. It's not a want, it's a NEED I have way to much going on that needs to be completed to not have it.

Some recent pictures.

I think they are all pretty self explanatory.