Saturday, February 21, 2009

Recent photos

Ski mask i whipped up tonight for a sledding party we were invited to tomorrow, she really needed something to cover her nose and cheeks, i'll have actions shots tomorrow hopefully.
I came home last Saturday to find Faith and Dad taking a nice snooze together in the chair.
Tub Time, with cheese.
My little Valentine, I made the outfit and just love it.
What? You don't wear your underwear with your boots?? (on the wrong feet i might add)

How to deal with extreme disappointment? I'm at a loss...

I am having an especially hard time deal with something right now. It's a huge disappointment that I just can't seem to get passed. I just feel so down about it that it feels like it's consuming me. I've been struggling for a while, and sometimes it's better but then inevitably something comes up that makes my heart broken all over again. I've been trying really hard for about a month now to just let it go, be happy and blessed with what i have and not feel cheated. I have been trying to enjoy the blessing I have and be content. But how does one become content without something that their heart and soul yearns for? It wasn't so long ago that i felt complete, that no matter what happened i would be satisfied with what i had. But for about 2 years now I have been feeling the exact opposite.. feeling so strongly that another blessing would enter my life. My heart is ready for it, my mind, body and spirit are ready for it. But it just doesn't happen. And time and time again i feel extreme disappointment. But then at the same time I'm mad at myself for feeling that way. Why should I be disappointed, i have one huge blessing and i should be thankful and just enjoy that blessing, right? Then there is the jealousy that makes me totally ashamed, but it's there and I just can't seem to help it. It seems nearly every day there is a reminder of someone, somewhere who doesn't even want their blessing, someone who doesn't take care of, love or enjoy their blessing. Then there are the reminders of those that have been blessed many times, without even giving it a second thought. And while i'm thrilled for people that don't struggle like i do, it also throws the question out there of "why not me?" It's not that I'm not thrilled for those with many blessings, or those that are satisfied and content with what they have. But i crave that, i want to be satisfied. I wish i could find the peace that many have about this, the contentment to just live a normal life without this "thing" constantly hanging over my head. I've prayed and prayed and prayed the following -
Lord, if it's not meant for me to be blessed again in this way, please help me find the contentment and peace that's needed at this time for me to deal with this feeling of almost constant disappointment. Please help my heart to heal and not yearn for something i will never have. Please help me not feel left out, sad, disappointed, jealous when faced with situations where others have more than i do. Help me instead focus my energy on enjoying my own blessing and making her life exciting, fun and positive. Help me put my energy to good use and not to continue to feel depressed and useless.
So that's my prayer and hope, but it just seems to go on, nothing changes, i hope every day to find the "secret" to this dilema but it doesn't come. I hide it pretty well, i think anyway. I do my best to keep my negative sad feelings hidden, i don't want to be one of those bitter people, i hate being negative and bitter, it's just not part of my personality. Sometimes I feel like i'm hiding this nasty secret part of myself and I guess the reality is that short of times where i just can't take it anymore I do hide it. Sometimes the worst part of this is the shame people make me feel for feeling this way. Sometimes even my own family makes me feel bad for feeling this way. But how on earth can one totally completely ignore a desire that just burns inside their heart?

Saturday, February 14, 2009

So, this week was a pay week..

That helped me feel really good about working, even though I am still having a lot of reservations about the missed time with my family. I was able to pay my babysitter (she's pretty cheap, she'll only take $50 a week). I also paid our car insurance bill for the next 6 months and still have $100 left over to save. So i was really pleased to see me helping out with the bills.

I think it's looking more like the full time hours won't last long though and I'm totally fine with that, honestly i'd love to just work 2-3 days a week. I think I can easily be happy with no time too. The reason i think it won't stay full time for much longer is that there is another biller coming back to work at the end of March. Plus when the girl that's going out to have a baby comes back there really won't be any work for me. So i figure enjoy the bigger checks while they last (I'm guessing maybe through the end of March) and put the money to good use and then just see what happens.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

This weekend will be hard...

Saturday is Valentine's day. Normally no big deal, i just get irritated that John forgets to even get me a little card until the last minute, but hey, he's a guy right.
But this year, it's the first year without my dad. It would have been his and mom's 34th anniversary. I know it's going to be terribly hard on my mom. They got married on Valentine's day, i can't honestly tell you that they had any real "reason" for doing so, but i always have thought it was sweet. Mom's wedding ring is beautiful, not at all traditional, it has cut out hearts all around the band, very unique.
Also 8 years ago when i was just turning 24 (my birthday is on the 19th) John proposed and gave me a beautiful engagement ring. The diamond is held up on each side by a heart w/ a small diamond inside. I just love my ring, and the thing that makes it hard this year is I'm remembering the night he proposed and how thrilled my dad was. He just loved John so much, took him right under his wing and treated him like his own son. He was so happy for me, for John and the whole family that night. I just remember the joy in his face and his voice. Oh dad, how i miss you.
Anyway back to topic. I've been trying to come up with something I could do to make the day a bit easier for my mom. Then i realized nothing is going to make it easy, but that I certainly can't let her sit around and be lonely and sad. John and I decided to take her and Cheyanne out to a really nice dinner Saturday night. I'm also going to order her a single yellow rose (her favorite) I think, i havn't decided for sure, i'm worried that will make her more sad. What do you think??

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

John's aunt passed away

I feel bad for not posting sooner, but John's aunt passed away last evening. I had already logged off the internet for the night and then this morning totally forgot i didn't update my blog.
As sad as we are that she is gone, we know she lived a very good life and is now out of pain & sickness.
Her funeral will be Saturday.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

We can't catch a break....

Home ownership is great. But note to self, don't buy an old house that you know is going to have more repair needs then a newer home. Now if John didn't 12+ hours every night monday-friday it probably wouldn't be as huge of an issue. But with him working nights, and trying to play catch up on everything on the weekends it's just not good.
For some reason it seems every sunday morning lately we wake up to one issue or another that just can't wait. A couple weeks ago it was the septic, something HAD to be done, no choices there. Before that we had snow blower issues. Before that there was lots of other stuff.
The newest thing is the roof. History - we had leaking issues before and the roof has been repaired in the fall of 2007. We had no issues with it that winter. But here we are again. It's the roof over the bathroom, it has to do with the way this house is designed and the pitch of that roof being less, plus it gets pounded with snow sliding from the upper roof. Anyway with all the snow this winter so far i guess it was bound to happen. John has been cleaning it up as best as he could when the snow was getting too built up. Just yesterday he cleaned off alot of snow, but underneath there's a thick layer of ice.
Anyway i got up about 1:30 this morning and the bathroom ceiling was leaking :( So he's got to get up there and break ice off, which will mean a lot of work with a sledge hammer or the like.
Not how we wanted to spend our "family weekend".
To add insult to injury (one of my dad's favorite phrases) John's aunt is on her way out. We got the call yesterday that she wasn't doing well and the family was gathering. So we went up to see her, she is definately way way downhill but as I learned from my experience with my Dad's death, sometimes it can take quite a while for the process to complete. So also on our minds and in our prayers is an easy/painless passing for his dear aunt.