I am having an especially hard time deal with something right now. It's a huge disappointment that I just can't seem to get passed. I just feel so down about it that it feels like it's consuming me. I've been struggling for a while, and sometimes it's better but then inevitably something comes up that makes my heart broken all over again. I've been trying really hard for about a month now to just let it go, be happy and blessed with what i have and not feel cheated. I have been trying to enjoy the blessing I have and be content. But how does one become content without something that their heart and soul yearns for? It wasn't so long ago that i felt complete, that no matter what happened i would be satisfied with what i had. But for about 2 years now I have been feeling the exact opposite.. feeling so strongly that another blessing would enter my life. My heart is ready for it, my mind, body and spirit are ready for it. But it just doesn't happen. And time and time again i feel extreme disappointment. But then at the same time I'm mad at myself for feeling that way. Why should I be disappointed, i have one huge blessing and i should be thankful and just enjoy that blessing, right? Then there is the jealousy that makes me totally ashamed, but it's there and I just can't seem to help it. It seems nearly every day there is a reminder of someone, somewhere who doesn't even want their blessing, someone who doesn't take care of, love or enjoy their blessing. Then there are the reminders of those that have been blessed many times, without even giving it a second thought. And while i'm thrilled for people that don't struggle like i do, it also throws the question out there of "why not me?" It's not that I'm not thrilled for those with many blessings, or those that are satisfied and content with what they have. But i crave that, i want to be satisfied. I wish i could find the peace that many have about this, the contentment to just live a normal life without this "thing" constantly hanging over my head. I've prayed and prayed and prayed the following -
Lord, if it's not meant for me to be blessed again in this way, please help me find the contentment and peace that's needed at this time for me to deal with this feeling of almost constant disappointment. Please help my heart to heal and not yearn for something i will never have. Please help me not feel left out, sad, disappointed, jealous when faced with situations where others have more than i do. Help me instead focus my energy on enjoying my own blessing and making her life exciting, fun and positive. Help me put my energy to good use and not to continue to feel depressed and useless.
So that's my prayer and hope, but it just seems to go on, nothing changes, i hope every day to find the "secret" to this dilema but it doesn't come. I hide it pretty well, i think anyway. I do my best to keep my negative sad feelings hidden, i don't want to be one of those bitter people, i hate being negative and bitter, it's just not part of my personality. Sometimes I feel like i'm hiding this nasty secret part of myself and I guess the reality is that short of times where i just can't take it anymore I do hide it. Sometimes the worst part of this is the shame people make me feel for feeling this way. Sometimes even my own family makes me feel bad for feeling this way. But how on earth can one totally completely ignore a desire that just burns inside their heart?