Saturday, January 31, 2009

First week of work...

Well i've already told many people this so it might be a repeat for you but anyway....
It's not the job I am minding, that's going fine, i actually enjoy it. I've been doing 2 main projects. Dental billing which i find fairly straight forward and not too difficult once you get the hang of it. The other project is looking at old accounts, it really makes my eyes buggy, but i am helping the other girls that don't have time to follow up, so it's a good thing.
The thing i do not like is the missed time with my family. I'm really upset about it honestly. I know it will get easier but this first week was certainly hard. I feel like the time i do spend with Faith I am always rushing her, or I'm tired/she's tired and we are both grumps. And we hardly saw John before, now that's even worse.
My day consists of getting up (between 5:30 and 6), getting ready, getting something premade for dinner (crock pot or whatever), getting Faith up and ready. We have to be out the door at 7:25 at the latest to get her dropped off and me to work. Then i get out of work at 4, rush to go get her and get home (around 4:30). Finish whatever is required for dinner, we try to eat between 5 & 5:30 so John has enough time to get ready for work. (he gets up around the time we get home). He leaves between 6:30-6:45, which means by the time we eat and he gets showered and ready, he only really spends a few minutes with Faith. Then her bedtime is 7:30, so after daddy gets off to work i have to get her bath and settled in for bed. Just not really much family time at all :(
The other thing is I am just so tired at night, i'm fine in the morning, but by 8 at night i'm ready to sleep myself that i go to bed.
I am sure it will get better, and for now it's going to help a lot that I am working. The good thing is that Faith really likes going with Grandma and there are no issues there, so i don't think it's really bothering her like it is me. However i must say I am questioning how long I would want to keep working full time, i'm thinking i will be thrilled when they want to cut me back to part time.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

$5 dinners

Why havn't i seen this blog before? How cool is that...I saw lots of neat recipes.
$5 Dollar Dinners

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Took Faith...

I had said i wouldn't take Faith to see John's aunt Helen. I was so concerned that she would want to visit papa and would get upset when he wasn't there.
I had to take mom to the eye doctor yesterday and it's in the building attached to the hospital. I said "I'm going to go see Helen, do you want to go?" and of course she did.
So on the way upstairs i just said, you know Helen lives where papa used to right? Papa isn't there anymore, you know that right? Papa is in heaven now, right? She responded "Uh huh" or "Yeah" to everything. We got up there and she was totally fine.
She didn't mention papa or try to go to where his room was or anything. I asked her where papa lives now, and she said "heaven".
So as usual i didn't give my kiddo enough credit, she gets it, i was avoiding taking her for my own pain, not hers.

Monday is the day...

I went and did almost all my paperwork yesterday. I still have to get my "physical" tomorrow morning hopefully. Then i'll be all ready to go back to work. I'm still up in the air about it, but i think once i'm used to it, it will be okay. I'm surely more worried about leaving Faith than she is. She's totally excited about going to Grandma's. She's already asked me about a million times if "I go to Grandma's now?". I've gotten her to bed earlier all week and she's now sleeping from between 7 & 7:30 till between 6 & 6:30. So that should give me time at night to do some cleaning up and getting ready for the next day. Then some time in the morning to get her up and at it before we have to leave.
Overall I guess i'm still feeling very indifferent about it all. I'm still worried that in the long run it won't really be worth it, but we'll see.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

So i think i'm starting to panic...

Why did i take a job? What was i thinking? How can i do all this when i am so used to having so much freedom of my time. Faith and I literally do what we want every day, all day long. I'm starting to realize how much i'm going to miss that. I don't want to take the attitude that i'm going to just hate it, because then i will. I want to be positive about it and think that maybe it will work out good. I hate feeling like I'm only doing something for money. I'll be the first to admit i'm not the greatest "stay at home wife & mom". I am just not all about cleaning, the house is generally a wreck. But i've gotten so used to doing other things, especially sewing lately. When will i find time for that now? And what about laundry? I'm terrible at keeping up with it, is it only going to get worse?
I talked to my good friend Tracy last night. And we talked about how it's very important to have a routine. She recently went back to work after staying home with her little one for several years. Though the talk cemented what i already knew (that we would have to live a much more regimented way), it also made me more depressed. In a way i just hate the thought of doing a "go go go" all day long, all week long. I'm actually kinda hoping this job ends up being 3 or less days a week, so we have a couple free days during the week. But even if I do, i'll be playing catch up all the time. The weekends too.
I don't know, maybe i'm being overdramatic about the whole thing. Maybe it won't be that bad. I guess we'll just see.
I have started menu planning, something i've always wanted to do but never implemented. So this week we are eating from a "menu". I grocery shopped yesterday and made sure i had everything i needed to make all the meals this week, and wouldn't need to make any extra trips to the store. Also 3 nights this week I am making "extra" food, either extra cooked meats, extra sauce or a casserole to freeze. That will help make nights go quicker if I can just defrost something like meat sauce while i'm at work, come home and put together a quick goulash or spanish rice.
I'm trying to get "caught up" on things around the house too. I have some sewing i've got to do, none of it will take a super long time. I have of course got a lot of laundry to do, which i need to include pulling out my "dress" clothes to have for working. Now y'all know me, i don't really own "dress" cloths but you know my nicer stuff, not the sweat pants and t-shirts i wear most of the time lately.
Well i've let this post get too long. I guess my point is, this week i am trying to prepare myself to be a working mom & wife. I'm praying the transition goes easier than I'm anticipating.
Oh and I didn't mention, John is pretty much feeling the same way I am. He is partly glad I am taking a job, you know the $$ thing. But he's also pretty sad and nervous about how it's gonna work out. He'll likely not see Faith much at all during the week, probably never in the mornings I work and at night he has to get up, eat, get ready, go to work, not much quality time. We've been trying to come up with solutions for more time for them.
Okay nuff whining, on to some work. Well maybe one more cup of coffee....see, i just don't know...

Friday, January 16, 2009

So i have a job.

Well my old boss just called and offered me a job. No interview or anything just flat out offered me a job. Which is cool.
I have mixed feelings. On the one hand i just love being home with Faith, and hate the thought of working a regular job. But at the same time we can use the $$ - we can pay off some bills sooner and save more too. I basically am looking at it as I can always quit later if it really isn't working out.
So i'll be doing dental billing and comp. & no-fault billing at the hospital. It will be 8-4 (no nights, no weekends) and probably about 3/4 time for now and later on it may be just part time, who knows at some point it might even be full time. The rate of pay is good and I pretty much know what I am getting into. I know i probably won't like many things, but at the same time I can endure. Maybe it will be good to be out in the workplace again and with "adults".

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Check out some recent sewing...


I've gotten a lot accomplished the last week or so, and i posted some of my favorites in my sewing blog. Check it out :-)

Friday, January 9, 2009


I admit it, i'm struggling. I know part of it is my sadness still but the other part is my lack of sleep (which could be related to all the leftover stress). I can't say i've slept good in probably 3 weeks. I am struggling each night with insomnia. Then when i do get to sleep i have wacky dreams the whole time. Crazy stupid wacky dreams. Like last night John and I were going on some sort of "mission" on a ship. My midwife and favorite nurse from my doctor's office were with us? What in the world we were going to do i have no idea. But there was lots of packing and discussions about going on said "mission". Whatever....
It's so hard to be energized to get a good days work done when you are tired all day. Not only tired, but not rested. To me there is a difference between "sleeping" and being "rested". I could be rested after a few short hours of deep sleep, but i'm not getting that at all, so each day i wake up feeling totally restless and in many cases more tired than when i went to bed.
I'm going to give it one more week of trying to change around my eating/drinking habits, taking my medications earlier and other lifestyle changes to see if I can get some sleep. Then i'll have to give in and go see someone about it. Sigh...

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I don't understand the Amish?

Amish File Lawsuit

I skimmed this article, i admit to not reading every little detail but i just don't understand how they can justify placing a lawsuit against anyone? They don't agree with our legal system? Don't adhere to the building codes and I assume other laws, so how can they then turn around and use said legal system to justify their religious beliefs not to? It makes no sense to me at all?
Same question arose recently when there was a case of a 2 year old needing life saving heart surgery. The amish will agree to some medical treatment, i've actually seen them at my pediatricians office with their children. I've heard they get vaccinations even. But they wouldn't allow for surgery, something to do with because it was the heart? Regardless again it doesn't make sense?
So what is their religion based on ? I mean you'll use what you want of the "english" world, but you will ignore other "things" based on your religious beliefs. ???????????????

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Here we go again :(

We knew it was in the works for a bit now, but John's aunt has been placed in a nursing home. The same nursing home dad was in, the same FLOOR dad was on. Don't get me wrong, i'm glad she's where she needs to be. And I am confident it's the best possible place for her to be. I know they will take such good care of her. But at the same time it's so so so hard for me.
I'm posting about this here because it's just not fair to talk to John or anyone in the family about, it's just too selfish. I want to try and go to see her, but at the same time i terrified of how i will react to being there again? I want to be there for John, i want to be supportive of what he is going through right now, but the selfish part of me just wants to stay away. Helen was like a second mother to John. He spent a lot of time with her because his mom was single and working. I know that for him this is very similiar to the situation with my dad was for me. You hate to see someone you love be old, weak and pretty much out of their mind. It busts your heart open. I want to be there for him, but my own wounds are still so raw, that i don't know if I can be.
I absolutely flat out REFUSE to take Faith there, and I'm sure everyone will understand why. In my mind I can just see her screaming and running for Papa's room. I can't take having to yet again explain to such a little girl that papa is gone forever. I want her to remember him but taking her there will only confuse her more. I am even afraid of the next time i take her to the pediatrician's office downstairs in the hospital, will she insist on going to see her papa?
Anyway i am struggling. I know John will probably want to go and see Helen today, and like i said, i want to go, i want to be supportive, but at the same time i want to stay home and hide from my emotions.

**Edited to add i went, it went okay, i had a couple teary moments but for the most part held it together very well. The girls were happy to see me and i got some hugs, it was nice to feel cared about. Helen doesn't really like being there but that's to be expected, i think she'll adjust.**

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year

Well here it is 7 am and I'm the only one up. But that's okay, gives me a bit of time to reflect on what i am hoping for this year.
First and foremost I really am hoping to day by day heal my heart from all the pain and loss associated with my Dad's passing, i know it will take time but I'm hoping that each day i can feel just a bit better. I know he's with me and always will be, but it's still so hard.
Secondly, we need to eat healthier. NO, this is not some sort of I want to lose weight resolution (though of course i would love that). It's just a goal to improve the way we eat around here. Less convenience food - either fast food or prepackaged stuff from the store. More fruit, veggies and whole grains. Less soda, more water. That kind of thing.
Third, we need to become more active. I don't want Faith to end up one of those lazy overweight teenagers (like i was). I want her to enjoy going for walks, riding a bike, playing outdoors. I don't want her to sit in front of a TV playing a video game or watching shows all day, every day.
And finally my greatest and most fervent wish for this year is to be blessed with another child. I don't know if I will still seek treatment with the fertility clinic as planned late "last" year. Or if I will just hope and pray for a miracle for us. Right now my pain is too raw from my Dad's passing to deal with trying to conceive. But in a month or two i am sure i will feel differently. I can't believe God would put such a strong desire in my heart for another child if I wasn't meant to have one. So hopefully in 2009 some direction is gained in this area and by the new year, 2010 we are on our way to adding to our family.