Saturday, January 3, 2009

Here we go again :(

We knew it was in the works for a bit now, but John's aunt has been placed in a nursing home. The same nursing home dad was in, the same FLOOR dad was on. Don't get me wrong, i'm glad she's where she needs to be. And I am confident it's the best possible place for her to be. I know they will take such good care of her. But at the same time it's so so so hard for me.
I'm posting about this here because it's just not fair to talk to John or anyone in the family about, it's just too selfish. I want to try and go to see her, but at the same time i terrified of how i will react to being there again? I want to be there for John, i want to be supportive of what he is going through right now, but the selfish part of me just wants to stay away. Helen was like a second mother to John. He spent a lot of time with her because his mom was single and working. I know that for him this is very similiar to the situation with my dad was for me. You hate to see someone you love be old, weak and pretty much out of their mind. It busts your heart open. I want to be there for him, but my own wounds are still so raw, that i don't know if I can be.
I absolutely flat out REFUSE to take Faith there, and I'm sure everyone will understand why. In my mind I can just see her screaming and running for Papa's room. I can't take having to yet again explain to such a little girl that papa is gone forever. I want her to remember him but taking her there will only confuse her more. I am even afraid of the next time i take her to the pediatrician's office downstairs in the hospital, will she insist on going to see her papa?
Anyway i am struggling. I know John will probably want to go and see Helen today, and like i said, i want to go, i want to be supportive, but at the same time i want to stay home and hide from my emotions.

**Edited to add i went, it went okay, i had a couple teary moments but for the most part held it together very well. The girls were happy to see me and i got some hugs, it was nice to feel cared about. Helen doesn't really like being there but that's to be expected, i think she'll adjust.**


Diana said...

Oh, Sarah! I'm so sorry! I think you have very valid thoughts and feelings. I'm glad you went to support John, but please don't feel bad for not wanting to go! *big hugs to you*

Ellen said...

*big hugs* * I am glad that you went and supported John. And it is an answer to prayer that you made it through the visit.