Our new "toy"...

We did it, we bought a camper. After 2 years of looking, debating, putting it off we bought this beauty.
The pictures are some stock photos of the same model and set up, only difference is ours has slightly different fabric. They don't show the bathroom but it's to the right of the bunk area in the back, the toilet/shower are actually "in" the bathroom, the sink is to the right of the door (behind where the door opens) which is a little different but i like it because it makes the bathroom a little roomer than most campers.
Anyway here it is :

So where the heck have i been?

Honestly just working and trying to squeeze a life in after that. I'm gonna be honest it was a lot easier working when i didn't have a child and i honestly dont' like working, again don't mind the actual job just hate the guilt and chaos of it all.
I also have not been feeling good at all lately. I think the stress of dad's illness and death, combined with John's aunt's illness and death, combined with going back to work stress, has made me have a major flare of my fibromyalgia. I don't talk about it a lot because many people (even doctors) don't believe it's a "real" illness, so i tend to not mention it much. When i first went to college I experienced the normal transitioning stress, friend/relationship stress, etc and just got feeling so sick. At first doctors thought depression, took meds for that but the pain in my joints & muscles just didn't go away. Finally my mom took me to a rheumatologist, initially thinking I may have inherited her Lupus. But the rheumatologist did a bunch of tests and concluded that I had fibromyalgia. She put me on many different meds, which helped a bit here and there. But after a while i just felt like the meds didn't do that much to help so i just kinda "lived with it" all this time. I've found ways to modify things I do, and tricks to help the pain, like hot showers and meditation like therapy to help relax and rest. Many things go along with fibromyalgia like having very restless sleep being one of them, that's been a problem now for 6 months or more. There's other fun stuff too like an irritable bowel & bladder (which is why i know where just about every public bathroom is). The worst of it though is definately the joint & muscle pain, which has been getting progressively worse for going on about 2 weeks now. Don't get me wrong, i pretty much have pain all the time but it's very tolerable and managable w/ a bit of motrin, hot showers, occassional massages, etc. But boy the last two weeks it's just getting BAD. I have been taking more motrin than i'd like to (since it's so bad for your stomach) and the discomfort has really made the working/home situation worse. I dont' know if I should try to go see the rheumatologist again after all this time, and see if maybe she can help (but i hate going to doctors so i don't know). For now I guess i'm taking a wait and see and hope it gets better approach.

On a happier front I think we are going to just take the plunge and buy a camper this year. We have put it off now the last 2 years, but we want one so badly. We want to spend a lot of quality time with Faith. And we want the ability to get away from home and do something really relaxing as much as possible. I think it will be a huge benefit to our family. Last fall we said we would definately do it this spring, but well you know what happened to the economy since then, so we had put it on hold again. But we decided we are going for it. Our car is officially paid off in a month. With me working full time right now it has given us the ability to save up some money as well as pay down some debt. We also decided we can give up other things in our life to make the camper dream happen. So we'll be working on that over the next couple months and hope to camp all summer and part of the fall probably too.

What's new with Faith E...

Faith is fantastic. She's so grown up. Talks like CRAZY and is learning to be a total smarty pants. She's also learned how to make mama feel guilty. This week Faith has learned the button to push to make mama feel guilty. The other days she said "i don't wanna go grandma's i want stay with you mama" and then that night she said she wanted to "sleep mama's bed" and of course i said no (i finally broke her of sleeping with me quite a while ago) anyway she responded "but i miss you mama" so of course she got to sleep with me right LOL Yesterday morning in the sweetest little voice she said "you don't go work today mama?" and i said no and she said "good" and smiled. Stinker.
She can count forward to 12 and backward from 10. She knows the ABC's and gets them right for the most part, she sometimes skips one or two. She knows all the basic colors. Right now we are working on shapes and she's got the basic square, circle, triangle. Now i'm trying to get her to know oval, heart, rectangle, star, etc. She loves to sing. She also loves to read, her favorite story (the she repeats all the time to herself) is 5 Little Monkeys Jumping on the bed. She also has a very very creative imagination she often reinacts her favorite episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Tigger & Pooh.
She is just barely 26 lbs (depends on when you weigh her LOL) and she is 36 1/2" tall, I can't believe how tall she is. She now has a 14" inseam which means her waist can fit in 18/24 clothing but she needs size 3T for length. So shopping or sewing for her is a real challenge right now. I don't have much sewing time working full time right now so i've had to buy her a few things so that when we go out and about she's not wearing "high waters" LOL I hopefully will only be working part time by late spring and i'll have more time then to sew for her.

Great day yesterday...

We decided to take off and go to Syracuse and do a bit of shopping and have lunch. I wanted to take Faith to Carosel mall to ride the carosel and go to build a bear, but we ended up over on Erie blvd to eat so we just decided to go ahead and go shopping over there. First we went to that HUGE Barnes & Noble, OMG book heaven, without a 2 1/2 year old i definately would have stayed in there longer (and spent more money i'm sure, so maybe not staying too long was a good thing?). Anyway i got this book Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld, at the sledding party last weekend someone had made some cookies from this book that had of all things chick peas in them, and OMG were they ever good. So i just had to have the book. I read through most all of the recipes last night and OMG is it ever a great cook book. So many sneaky was to get fruits and veggies into your food. We are definately going to be trying it out.
Faith had a ton of fun playing in their kids section. They have a train table which she really liked, would have liked it more had there not been a little "bully" standing there too, telling her she couldn't do anything. I was in awe that this kids parents were close by and not saying a word about him being so mean to my little princess. So i loudly said "It's okay Faith you can play with the train too, go ahead". ARGH some people annoy me. Anyway she got to pick out a book and she picked out a Little Golden book (remember those?) about a bear going to bed, can't remember the exact title. I also picked up two homeschool workbooks, one on the alphabet and one on shapes/colors. John got a really neat almanac book of facts, in my opinion great bathroom type reading, however I never get to stay in there long enough to read more than a sentance LOL

We then went to the shoppintown mall, which i must say seems to be on it's last legs, there was one whole wing of empty stores (for the most part). I don't know if they are planning to redo it or something? But i got some AWESOME deals on a few things for Faith. She has suddenly outgrown her 2T pants and desperately needed some. At Gymboree, my absolute favorite store for little girl clothing, i got her 2 pairs of pants, 2 matching shirts, hair clips and sunglasses for $35 total. For those of you familiar with Gymboree this is a steal. I have made a deal with John that if I shop there I will ONLY shop the clearance rack and that's what i did, worked out great. Then he wanted to go to Sears, so I figured i'd at least browse their kids section. Found her 2 jackets in size 3T one winter reversible and one fall/spring weight reversible. They were $7.99 each!!! $7.99 OMG i freaked. I so wished they'd had 3T snow pants, because those were on sale cheap too, but alas no 3T. I love love love getting good deals LOL.
Not much else to report from the other stores but Faith had fun. We had fun and it got us away from the house for the whole afternoon.

On another fun front we are currently planning a summer getaway for early June, i know not really summer but it will be fun none the less. We had so wanted to get a camper this year, but we are trying really hard to follow the sensible part of our brains on this one, and in this economy not make a major purchase like that. So since we won't be camping this year, we are going to take at least one longer vacation and maybe a weekend or something closer to fall. It's so fun to plan :-)

Recent photos

Ski mask i whipped up tonight for a sledding party we were invited to tomorrow, she really needed something to cover her nose and cheeks, i'll have actions shots tomorrow hopefully.

I came home last Saturday to find Faith and Dad taking a nice snooze together in the chair.

Tub Time, with cheese.

My little Valentine, I made the outfit and just love it.

What? You don't wear your underwear with your boots?? (on the wrong feet i might add)

How to deal with extreme disappointment? I'm at a loss...

I am having an especially hard time deal with something right now. It's a huge disappointment that I just can't seem to get passed. I just feel so down about it that it feels like it's consuming me. I've been struggling for a while, and sometimes it's better but then inevitably something comes up that makes my heart broken all over again. I've been trying really hard for about a month now to just let it go, be happy and blessed with what i have and not feel cheated. I have been trying to enjoy the blessing I have and be content. But how does one become content without something that their heart and soul yearns for? It wasn't so long ago that i felt complete, that no matter what happened i would be satisfied with what i had. But for about 2 years now I have been feeling the exact opposite.. feeling so strongly that another blessing would enter my life. My heart is ready for it, my mind, body and spirit are ready for it. But it just doesn't happen. And time and time again i feel extreme disappointment. But then at the same time I'm mad at myself for feeling that way. Why should I be disappointed, i have one huge blessing and i should be thankful and just enjoy that blessing, right? Then there is the jealousy that makes me totally ashamed, but it's there and I just can't seem to help it. It seems nearly every day there is a reminder of someone, somewhere who doesn't even want their blessing, someone who doesn't take care of, love or enjoy their blessing. Then there are the reminders of those that have been blessed many times, without even giving it a second thought. And while i'm thrilled for people that don't struggle like i do, it also throws the question out there of "why not me?" It's not that I'm not thrilled for those with many blessings, or those that are satisfied and content with what they have. But i crave that, i want to be satisfied. I wish i could find the peace that many have about this, the contentment to just live a normal life without this "thing" constantly hanging over my head. I've prayed and prayed and prayed the following -
Lord, if it's not meant for me to be blessed again in this way, please help me find the contentment and peace that's needed at this time for me to deal with this feeling of almost constant disappointment. Please help my heart to heal and not yearn for something i will never have. Please help me not feel left out, sad, disappointed, jealous when faced with situations where others have more than i do. Help me instead focus my energy on enjoying my own blessing and making her life exciting, fun and positive. Help me put my energy to good use and not to continue to feel depressed and useless.
So that's my prayer and hope, but it just seems to go on, nothing changes, i hope every day to find the "secret" to this dilema but it doesn't come. I hide it pretty well, i think anyway. I do my best to keep my negative sad feelings hidden, i don't want to be one of those bitter people, i hate being negative and bitter, it's just not part of my personality. Sometimes I feel like i'm hiding this nasty secret part of myself and I guess the reality is that short of times where i just can't take it anymore I do hide it. Sometimes the worst part of this is the shame people make me feel for feeling this way. Sometimes even my own family makes me feel bad for feeling this way. But how on earth can one totally completely ignore a desire that just burns inside their heart?

So, this week was a pay week..

That helped me feel really good about working, even though I am still having a lot of reservations about the missed time with my family. I was able to pay my babysitter (she's pretty cheap, she'll only take $50 a week). I also paid our car insurance bill for the next 6 months and still have $100 left over to save. So i was really pleased to see me helping out with the bills.

I think it's looking more like the full time hours won't last long though and I'm totally fine with that, honestly i'd love to just work 2-3 days a week. I think I can easily be happy with no time too. The reason i think it won't stay full time for much longer is that there is another biller coming back to work at the end of March. Plus when the girl that's going out to have a baby comes back there really won't be any work for me. So i figure enjoy the bigger checks while they last (I'm guessing maybe through the end of March) and put the money to good use and then just see what happens.

This weekend will be hard...

Saturday is Valentine's day. Normally no big deal, i just get irritated that John forgets to even get me a little card until the last minute, but hey, he's a guy right.
But this year, it's the first year without my dad. It would have been his and mom's 34th anniversary. I know it's going to be terribly hard on my mom. They got married on Valentine's day, i can't honestly tell you that they had any real "reason" for doing so, but i always have thought it was sweet. Mom's wedding ring is beautiful, not at all traditional, it has cut out hearts all around the band, very unique.
Also 8 years ago when i was just turning 24 (my birthday is on the 19th) John proposed and gave me a beautiful engagement ring. The diamond is held up on each side by a heart w/ a small diamond inside. I just love my ring, and the thing that makes it hard this year is I'm remembering the night he proposed and how thrilled my dad was. He just loved John so much, took him right under his wing and treated him like his own son. He was so happy for me, for John and the whole family that night. I just remember the joy in his face and his voice. Oh dad, how i miss you.
Anyway back to topic. I've been trying to come up with something I could do to make the day a bit easier for my mom. Then i realized nothing is going to make it easy, but that I certainly can't let her sit around and be lonely and sad. John and I decided to take her and Cheyanne out to a really nice dinner Saturday night. I'm also going to order her a single yellow rose (her favorite) I think, i havn't decided for sure, i'm worried that will make her more sad. What do you think??

John's aunt passed away

I feel bad for not posting sooner, but John's aunt passed away last evening. I had already logged off the internet for the night and then this morning totally forgot i didn't update my blog.
As sad as we are that she is gone, we know she lived a very good life and is now out of pain & sickness.
Her funeral will be Saturday.

We can't catch a break....

Home ownership is great. But note to self, don't buy an old house that you know is going to have more repair needs then a newer home. Now if John didn't 12+ hours every night monday-friday it probably wouldn't be as huge of an issue. But with him working nights, and trying to play catch up on everything on the weekends it's just not good.
For some reason it seems every sunday morning lately we wake up to one issue or another that just can't wait. A couple weeks ago it was the septic, something HAD to be done, no choices there. Before that we had snow blower issues. Before that there was lots of other stuff.
The newest thing is the roof. History - we had leaking issues before and the roof has been repaired in the fall of 2007. We had no issues with it that winter. But here we are again. It's the roof over the bathroom, it has to do with the way this house is designed and the pitch of that roof being less, plus it gets pounded with snow sliding from the upper roof. Anyway with all the snow this winter so far i guess it was bound to happen. John has been cleaning it up as best as he could when the snow was getting too built up. Just yesterday he cleaned off alot of snow, but underneath there's a thick layer of ice.
Anyway i got up about 1:30 this morning and the bathroom ceiling was leaking :( So he's got to get up there and break ice off, which will mean a lot of work with a sledge hammer or the like.
Not how we wanted to spend our "family weekend".
To add insult to injury (one of my dad's favorite phrases) John's aunt is on her way out. We got the call yesterday that she wasn't doing well and the family was gathering. So we went up to see her, she is definately way way downhill but as I learned from my experience with my Dad's death, sometimes it can take quite a while for the process to complete. So also on our minds and in our prayers is an easy/painless passing for his dear aunt.
SIGH.