Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I feel so defeated (a long sad vent)...

I am having a bit of a break down, no not a serious one but just need to vent.

The situation with my dad is so upsetting i can't tell you how much i'm hurting. I feel like i'm just waiting around for him to die, which in a way i guess we are (after all we are all going to die some day right). But, the thing is when you see him he doesn't seem "that sick". Yeah sure he's weak, but it doesn't seem fair that he can't get better. I just feel so defeated.

Then there's the whole trying for another baby. John isn't super supportive about it, he says there's just too much going on right now. At first his resistance didn't bother me, cause well that's just John, he behaved the same way before. Instead of admitting his fears he gets defensive and what not, i'm used to it. But then there was the hard reality of just how much it would cost us to do more fertility treatments. So then we thought well we'll take the "low cost" route and just do some medication treatments. So today i went to pick up a progesterone prescription. That was a big thing when i was pregnant with Faith, i had to take a lot of supplements. Anyway it was $176. I was like "nope never mind". I will shop around and see if i can get it somewhere for a reasonable price but still. UGH. Again I just feel so defeated.

Then there is all the other every day stuff. The mountain of laundry. The muddy floor (thanks to the dog and our lovely weather). The need to cook and clean and carry on with life in general. I don't know I guess i just feel defeated there too.

Even my favorite hobby, sewing just seems like a chore right now. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. But i can't, i have to go on, i have to at least try for Faith, for John, for myself. But it's so hard, it's just too much. I feel so defeated...

2 comments:

Len said...

Not to throw out the cliche "I'll pray for you" comment, but it's the truth. Diana and I both pray for you, for your mom, your sister, and your dad. Mike and I also pray during our weekly meetings.

If there is anything we can do, you know the numbers. :)

Leah said...

Big Hugs!!! With everything that is going on its no wonder you are feeling defeated. You are in my thoughts and I hope you are feeling a little better today!!!