Thursday, October 2, 2008

Frustrated...ramblings...

There some stuff happening right now that has me frustrated and i just need to vent. If you don't want to "hear" me "whine" you might want to stop reading now, this is definately not a positive upbeat post.
My dad is still in the rehab/nursing home. He just doesn't seem to be making any progress, he just kinda stays the same. We are hoping to get him home by Thanksgiving but it seems like we shouldn't "hope". Every other time when we have "hoped" he'd be home something has happened that has prevented this. I don't like feeling scared to be hopeful. There's a lot of "stuff" that needs to be done before he can come home, modifications to the house being the biggest one. Mom is applying for some grant money to try and help the costs, but we also have to find someone willing to do the work and hopefully before snow flys. The whole situation is so draining on everyone, it's a constant stress on us all.
Then of course there is the economy, which stinks, we all know that, doesn't really affect us a lot at least yet anyway. But, it does make you realize that it's important to save, and be more frugal. I was hoping to start a sewing "job" from home, i think i told most of you about it, but i'm not sure that's going to happen, it might we'll have to see. So then my dilema is do i go ahead and go back to work to make some extra money, problem is with everything going on with my Dad i can't really count on my mom to babysit and honestly i just really really don't want to go back to being "tied down" to a traditional job. Plus mom and dad really are going to need me to be available to help if he does come home, mom just isn't going to be able to do it all herself. So i just don't know what to do there.
Then, I am sad about Faith not having a baby sibling and it's looking like she may never. I am trying hard to understand why this desire and yearning for another child is so strong yet I can't seem to get pregnant again, it seems so unfair and frankly like a slap in the face. I'm trying hard to accept Faith being my only child, really i am, but it's so hard. It especially breaks my heart that everywhere we go we see babies and she gets all excited and tells me "mama baby"..."mama baby crying"...etc...So hard....I need to make a decision about if I want to see the OB in my midwife's office or try and see my fertility doctor, i need to do something because I definately think i need some kind of medical help to ever have even a chance at another baby. It's a very hard decision that is just made twice as hard because i am not working and we don't have a lot of extra money. So now i sit here wishing i had done things differently in the past, so that now things would be different...UGH such a vicious circle....
Stay tuned, i promise tomorrow i will try and post a positive post.

1 comment:

Hilary M said...

Just sending you a hug. I know it doesn't fix anything, but I feel the need to hug you. I hate being a grownup most days!