Dad update...

Well unfortunately it's not a happy update. It's looking like Dad may never come home. I hate to "say" it outloud and have been avoiding it for so long. But it's time to come to terms with it I guess.
Mom spoke with his doctor yesterday regarding his extremely low platelet count. At this point that is concerning but since he's having no bleeding issues it's okay (platelets are what clots your blood). The more concerning issue is keeping his white blood cells up, with cold/flu season here it's important for him to not get sick.
They also discussed him coming home. We had been hopeful that this would happen before Thanksgiving. None of us were really sure, he's so weak and Mom wouldn't be able to handle it all herself. We kept convincing ourselves that we could do it.
So, mom asked the doctor her opinion. She said at this point he's just too weak, he would need a nurse pretty much all day/night and it's just not feasible. Plus the huge risk of more falls and injuries would be so great at home. Also he'd be at more risk of picking up a cold or infection at home, though sometimes i honestly think you get more sick in a hospital (but that's for another post some other time). Anyway the doctor was against him going home right now.
It's a definate blow to us all, but I can't say any of us are really surprised. I think we've all been avoiding saying it "out loud" all this time. We've never really made a big attempt for his room to be "homey" for him, we just didn't want to admit he'd be "living" there.
He's been there now over a year and may never come home. I keep telling myself that trying to make it real. Trying to be strong, trying not to cry. It's so hard to make my life go on when his is slowly draining away. I HATE IT!
I hate what this last year and 4 months has done to my father. I know he was never truely a "healthy" person, but it's so hard to see every ounce of his spirit sucked out of him. It's so hard to be there on the "bad days" (like today) when he's depressed and blue. Today he hardly talked. Faith was able to brighten him a bit, but even that just wasn't the same. I just don't understand why things like this happen, why people have to be sick or failing in health. What's the lesson to be learned? What's the point? Is it to make us all greatful for the days we have? Should be celebrate each moment, sure but how can i when my Dad is so sad. How can i possibly be truely happy each day and make my life meaningful while he suffers? I feel like i'm constantly having to push those bad feelings to the side and force myself to be joyful.