Ramblings...

So you can now follow me on Twitter - FaithsMommy

I really love it. If you are unfamiliar with it, it's like a mini-blog, quick little "ramblings" when you have a second to update. Now for you more techno-savvy folks, you can also use your iPod and phone (i think) to update. I however as you know can barely send a text message, LOL.

Christmas Day was great. We spent the whole day with family, had a nice meal, though the prime rib wasn't what i thought it would be, it was good, but well just not as "wow" as I had hoped. But i didn't ruin it, that's the important thing. We played some cards, played with Faith and her new toys and in general just had a good time.

Christmas night in bed, i finally let it out and had a really good cry with John. I had been telling everyone for 2 weeks "i'm fine" "i'm doing okay" blah blah, and just holding it back, or having short little cries and then pushing the feelings away. So i finally let it go and honestly it felt pretty good to get it out. I'm still horribly sad, and i know i will be for a long time, but i let some of the bottled up emotions out and it felt great.

We have had one issue after another with something breaking or needing repairs. It's actually in a way becoming comical (though I tend to find more "humor" in it than John). We been having ongoing issues with our septic, that seem to flare up every few days, really no fix until spring when we can assess what the true problem is, we are hoping it won't require a whole new septic. Then my mom's snow blower was in need of a good maintanance, so John was working on that. In the meantime our snowblower has stopped working, lovely. Then the roof over our front porch started leaking, so John had to shovel it off. Then our shower handle broke, we only have 1 shower/tub so it had to be fixed, no waiting. Our living room lamp (the only one in there) suddenly shorted out entirely and needs to be rebuilt. Oh and my mom's tree next to her drively split off 2 larger branches (it's one of those cedar trees that's like a clump of several trees in one).
So needless to say, John has been busy in one way or another lately. Though i somewhat find humor in it, and short of the snow blower I don't think any of the repairs will be major ones (though we just aren't sure about the septic yet). However John gets himself very worked up over these things, which isn't good, but it's just John i guess, that's his way.

Well that's enough rambling for today, i gotta go get my first cup of coffee.

Oh one funny about Faith. When we are out in public and have to use a "big" potty, she always says "momma will hold you?" and i always do of course, she's so skinny there's just no way she wouldn't fall in if i didn't. Anyway last night before bed i'm on the potty and she comes over and "hugs" me and says "it's okay momma i hold you, so you don't fall" LMAO, she's so cute!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas. I'm missing my dad something awful of course, but i'll make it through. He'll be here in spirit i'm sure helping me with my prime rib, he was always my "go to" for any cooking question, so today for the first time i'm flying "solo" on a big meal. Dad I miss you so much!

Keeping busy is definately helping...and other ramblings.

Today we cleaned up some more, put up the tree. Then we went to pick up Faith and Cheyanne at mom's. Fought the storm to Carthage and back - not horrible thanks to our 4-wheel drive truck, i can't imagine what it would have been in a car. There was at least 6 inches of snow on the road i would say.
When we got home John and the kids put some ornaments on the tree. I made a homemade pizza for lunch. After lunch i put together some meatballs & sausage w/ sauce to cook in the crock pot for spaghetti dinner. Then i made banana bread. Then i made dough for my Grandma's filled cookies.
Tired yet...LOL
In the midst of all that I folded 3 loads of laundry, and washed and dried 2 more loads (I still need to fold those).
After a brief break, i cooked the spaghetti for supper and we all ate. It was yummy!
Then i rolled out and cut out the cookies and baked them. YUMMY.
They are filled with a mincemeat & orange marmalade mixture. They were one of my dad's absolute favorites, i'm sorry I never got them made before he passed away.

Also on my mind is the fact that I am probably going back to work. Do i absolutely "need" to go, no. But i want to. I want to help pay off some of our debt and have some extra spending money so that we don't always feel guilty spending. I think this will also help out my mom as she will be my babysitter. I'll pay her (probably nowhere near what she deserves but some anyway) for one thing and also it will be fun for her to have Faith with her more often, she likes that. So i put an application in at my previous employer and talked to human resources. It shouldn't be a problem to pick up something there. I'll take anything in my field right now, depending on hours. I can deal with odd hours for a bit if i have to, but ultimately i'd like to find something with a regular schedule.

Also i think the baby "making" is on hold again. I just am too spent with everything else that has gone on lately to worry about having another baby right now. I'm emotionally exhausted and just can't keep taking the stress of trying to conceive and feeling like a failure. So for now it's going to the back burner for a bit.

Well last batch of cookies is done baking and i think i'll call it quits for tonight.

Don't forget to check my sewing blog for pictures of Faith's clothes i made her for Christmas.

More progress...

Check out my sewing blog to see the holiday stuff i completed this morning. Now i am moving on to laundry and cleaning. Hopefully the tree will go up tonight. Then on to cooking and baking.
Sewing Blog Click Here

Making progress...

I *think* i'm done with shopping for presents. Though I do have 1 present i need to do a bit of sewing on, though it shouldn't take long. I also have 1 outfit and 1 nightgown to sew up for Faith, again shouldn't take too long.
I am making headway in the laundry, though i'm still several loads behind, but we're getting there.
I took care of some odds/ends running around today.
I am also starting on some cookies, however i think i want these more for myself today than for Christmas. The recipe is SUPER easy and fast, and they smell awesome though I havn't eaten any yet.
Recipe is -
1 box chocolate cake mix
1/2 cup butter, softened/melted
2 eggs
1 cup chocolate chips

Mix cake mix, butter and eggs until smooth. Stir in chocolate chips. Drop by spoonfuls onto ungreased cookie sheet and bake 8-10 minutes at 350. Let cool on cookie sheet for 5 minutes and then remove to wire rack to cool completely.

Easy Peasy!

Trying to chug along...

It's hard, sometimes i just get really teary. A picture. Something Faith says. Something I'm doing. But I am trying to get back to "normal". We need to have Christmas, we need it for our family. So i did a bit of shopping. Trying to get the house in order, so we can get up at least the tree. I'm extremely tired. And not feeling 100%, not sure what's up, other than i figure it's just the stress of everything.

HUGE thank yous to all my wonderful blog reading friends. You've all been great!
Not to mention all my IRL friends, family and neighbors who have sent cards, messages or just encouraged me. I couldn't make it without that support, i know that.

All went well...

The last of the calling hours and the funeral went very well. The hardest part was when the last we "saw" him before the funeral. As a family we said our goodbyes. Faith told papa bye bye, gave him a kiss and in general just broke our hearts, as it was so pure and innocent, she of course had no clue what it "really" meant. When the funeral started, she of course was showing off a bit. She said "papa needs medicine?" and I told her "no, papa is all better now" and she said "okay". Again so sweet, so innocent.

The gathering after at Dave's house was so packed with family and friends. So much food. Every party or get together, no matter what the occassion I always worry that there won't be enough food. Thanks to the ladies at church and several good friends, neighbors and family, there was plenty. And there will be plenty for days, which will make it easier for all of us. Good friends are such a blessing!

I know the next few days especially will be hard for my mom, so we'll be helping her out. But now I also have the task of trying to get ready for Christmas, I don't want it to be ruined, especially for the kids.

So far so good.

Calling hours went well. The funeral home did an exceptional job at making dad look good. Faith "talked" to papa many times through out the night. She would just climb up on the kneeler and rub his arm and say "hi papa" and things of that nature. She kept telling us that "papa likes I rub his arm". SO very sweet!

I'm sure today will be harder, saying goodbye, never to "see" him again. Super emotional for sure.

Watertown Daily Times...

More like Watertown Daily Screw Up!

I'm so upset that they apparently feel the need to rewrite obituaries instead of simply using what the funeral director sends. First of all they felt it necessary to include my dad's ex-wife, it really doesn't matter, they were on good terms so it's not a big deal, but what if it was something he didn't want? How is it their judgement to determine how one's life story should be summarized?

What I'm angry about is the major screw up of the calling hours and funeral. We purposely did an evening calling hour time on Sunday night so that people that can't get away on Monday from work would be able to pay their respects. Then on Monday a short calling hour with the funeral to follow. Simple. But the Watertown times in "rewriting" the information completely ommitted the Sunday night calling hours and instead said the funeral was Sunday the 15th at 1 with a calling hour beginning at noon. Never did they mention the evening calling hour, nor the proper funeral day of monday. ARGH! The funeral director was going to call and get them to reprint the obituary. I am going to be really mad if they just do one of their little "blurbs" at the bottom that says something to the effect of "because of a submission error, blah blah". Noone really reads those little tiny corrections. I will be very upset if people travel a distance at noon tomorrow only to find the funeral home closed and noone around.

However KUDOS to newzjunky.com for not only getting the information listed right away, but also just using what the funeral director submits. They don't feel it necessary to rewrite or make their "own" news story. And some people wonder why online services are becoming the norm, and the traditional "paper" is failing? Online news sources find you the information you need, post you stories that matter and dont' spend a day diggin up totally worthless garbage to just fill up their paper.

Dad is gone...

Just wanted to update quick for those that are getting your updates here.

Dad passed peacefully around 8 pm tonight. My brother and mom had just left, we feel he was waiting for them to go.

I went back up with my mom and John joined us. We said our goodbyes. We will be making arrangements tomorrow.

Thanks again for the prayers and support through this long process. I do feel at peace that Dad is no longer suffering.

Change...

Mom came home last night as Dad wasn't waking up at all. She needed to rest so she could go back up today as I have a puking, feverish toddler to deal with. Anyway she got a call at 4am that Dad's breathing has "changed". I'm sure it's not a change for the good, i will know more when i get up there but i expect maybe we are getting closer to the end. I know it sounds terrible to hope this is the case, but if you saw him you'd know why i feel this way. I will update when i can. For now John is home with Faith, hopefully her throwing up with subside. I am trying to keep her to the BRAT diet, but it's so hard with a toddler that is hungry and doesn't understand that some things will make it worse. Poor kiddo.

I can't help but wonder what it's worth?

*i apologize up front for the rambling and whiney "poor me" attitude of this post*

What is the extra time with Dad worth? It's breaking all our hearts to see him like this. It's so hard on mom physically, mentally, emotionally. Well it's hard on all of us that way, but of course mom the most. Last Weds. we didn't think he'd make it even through the day and here it is the next Tuesday and he's still hanging on. The majority of the time he's completely "out of it". He's getting a bit combative, he doesn't want the oxygen on, but without it his levels drop and he gets even more aggitated. For a day or so he was just mostly sleeping, which is also really sad, especially when you find yourself watching him breath and thinking "is that the last breath", it's horrible. There's just no "good" way to see someone you love so much, dying. I have to say this slow drawn out process just seems so much harder. We have experienced a sudden tragic death, John's friend was killed 5 years ago in a tractor trailer accident. It's equally hard to say goodbye to someone when they die suddenly, but i have to say this slow painful goodbye is most definately worse. But then again maybe i only feel that way because that's what I'm currently dealing with.

Again i just want to say thanks to all those who are praying for our family and for dad. I also want to thank all those who have babysat & offered food and other help. It really means a lot to have friends that you can call when you need to decompress before you explode from the emotional exhaustion.

Still holding on...

Dad is just pretty much sleeping all the time, if he does stir or wake up he's very confused. He's not eating or drinking a whole lot.
This is definately the hardest thing i've ever experienced in my life. It's -12 here this morning and i have to get Chey to school. Then i'm hoping it will warm up a bit before I take Faith and go see him for a while. Will update as I can.
Again thanks to all my friends and family for their prayers and encouragment, it's appreciated so much.

I am better...dad is the same

I think i had a migraine and that my fibromyalgia has flared up badly. I had a splitting headache and nausea - definate migraine symptoms for me. My chest is sore, but it's muscular sore which is a sign my fibro is flaring, as is all the "all over" achyness. Today i'm better, still sore and my chest is still sore, but my headache and nausea is gone so that's good. I'm certain it's not the flu.
I did go see dad for a bit yesterday, took Faith. I wasn't sure if I should, but she was a good girl. She showed him the picture she made. Sat on the edge of the bed with him. Rubbed his legs and arms. She kissed and hugged him bye, and he seemed to know she was there, i dont' know.
Not sure what the plan is today. Dave stayed last night and said Dad kept trying to get up in the night, thinks he needs to get out of bed for some reason. He's still pretty much just confused and out of it. I'll probably stay tonight with him. I'll have to see what John wants to do when he gets home here soon.
Anyway, that's where we are at. I just hope and pray he's not suffering. I don't think he's in pain, they are giving him pain medication, so that's something.

So i woke up sick...dad is back downhill

I woke up in the night with a fever and a horrible headache. Still not feeling at all well. I want to try and get out and go see Dad as from what i understand he's back downhill again today. He had a fever in the night too and hasn't woken up much today. I feel awful mom was up there all night and has been alone all that time. But i've got such a headache and nausea i just don't know if i can go out. I am praying this isn't the flu that it's just stress related or something. I can't be sick right now.

Dad is better today...

No explanation can be made but he's better today. Talking more, not so "out" of it and sat up and ate his lunch even. Doctor really isn't sure what the deal is. So we'll see what happens. Mom went ahead and headed home to get some sleep. I'll update when i can.

Dad

Isn't expected to make it much longer. We sat with him all day and mom is going to stay with him tonight. Doctor basically said he didn't think it'd be longer than a day if that.

So now Dad may be "sick" "sick"

Yes obviously he's been sick for quite some time but now it's possible he's got the flu or something of that nature. I guess he's running a fever. I thought at first he just thought he was sick because he's so run down, but mom said they did run a flu test or something. So now i have the added burden of do i take Faith to see him and risk her getting sick? She had her flu shot. I certainly don't want to keep her away if I don't have to. I certainly don't want to stay away. I want to see him for however much longer i have. Of course there is also the looming fact that if he is in fact sick with the flu, this could be the end for sure.
This afternoon i would have loved to just dig a hole and hide for a while. I just can't face anything right now, it's too hard. Some days i'm okay and accepting of what's going on, other days i just feel so incredibly lost.