I'm so enjoying Christmas this year...

Faith is WAY fun this year. She totally into all the "magic" of Christmas. She is just making the holiday so joyous this year, it's the first time in a long time i can say i'm really excited about Christmas.

Your most proud moment?

A question was posed on a message board i belong to the other day. The question was "what was your most proud moment." It only took a split second for me to answer the question.
It was definately the first time i held Faith. I was proud of her of course, but also proud of myself & John for being able to persevere that long difficult journey to parenthood. I was proud of myself for doing all the things i had to do to get pregnant, stay pregnant and have a 100% healthy baby. Though i'd love to show you the picture of the first time i held her, it's not exactly appropriate for publication online for anyone and their brother to view, but here's the picture after we were all ready to take her home. Isn't she beautiful?



What was your most proud moment, share it here or on your blog.

WOW it's been a while...

Well let's see Faith bug turned 3, i can't believe it. Where in the world did the time go?


We have done a TON of camping too. We went to Wescott's beach on Faith's birthday for a long weekend. Not a lot of swimming, it was really windy and a bit chilly for that, but they have an awesome playground that she loved and we did play in the sand some too.

Last weekend we camped at Nick's Lake in Old Forge and went to "water far-e" LOL she had fun with that.

Next weekend we go for a big 5 day trip to Fish Creek Pond with our friends the Marino's and Turner's. Should be a fantastic time.
Faith just got all signed up to take dance classes and gymnastics classes this year. She will have tap/ballet on Tuesdays and gymnastics on Thursdays, so that will keep us busy too.
I have gotten down to working about 3 days each week which works out pretty well. There is another per diem biller now so that makes it easier. It's still just a job, i mean i like the work but well work is work right? I am working on slowly cleaning out Faith's baby stuff. It's not looking all that promising that we will need any of it again so first I got rid of a bunch of clothes. Yesterday I sold the high chair and exersaucer to a girl at work. Next we'll get rid of the pack n' play, the car seats and maybe even the crib. Did i mention we moved Faith up to the high back booster seats? She's so tall that the other seats where really pinching her shoulders and legs, so we found a great deal on boosters and got them for all the cars (ours and mom's). *sigh* It makes me sad in a way not to have a "baby" anymore but she's SO MUCH fun now and such an incredible joy that the "sad" part only lasts a minute or two. She does remind me regularly that she is "mama's baby". LOL

Gabby said...

I don't post enough here....okay after the birthday party today i'm sure i'll have a nice big post for you, K.
In the mean time enjoy a few photos of the girly!

Camping at Jacques Cartier

Here are some pictures i took while we were camping this last week. It was a very relaxing time. Faith had a lot of fun playing. She has decided she does not like fishing. I caught a large mouth bass and she cried and cried when daddy was taking the hook out. She kept saying "daddy put him back". Poor thing.



The shipping channel goes right by the campground, it's so cool to watch the ships, we saw many!





FISHING -









There were tons of baby waterfowl. 3 different duck families and probably 3 different goose families. Faith loved going down to the water to talk to the babies :)


Faith rode her "bike" all around the campground. She also rode in her wagon and her car a lot.





How can you possibly beat this view?

Garage sales...

Today is day #1 of our vacation. John will be home shortly and then we officially do not have to return to work until June 15th.
I am going to pick up some stuff I "pre purchased" from a yard sale yesterday, a Barbie Jeep and a 12" Dora bicycle for Faith bug. I'm super excited to get her more outdoor play stuff, she loves riding her tricycle and i just know she's gonna love her bike too (it has training wheels). It's also community wide garage sales in Carthage, so i hope I can hit a few of those between today and tomorrow and maybe find her some play clothes and other new toys, she's getting bored with her current toys so more would be good. Not to mention more stuff for our camper, garage sales are great places to find that kind of stuff. And besides being thrifty is in my blood, i can't help it. Thanks to my Dad I very early found a love of garage sales, one of my first memories is holding my dad's hand walking up a driveway to a sale :-) Not to mention the memories i have of going with my Grandparents too, Grandma used to let me sit on the "hump" in their old Dodge conversion van, she would feed me cheese crackers and zingers (the ones with the coconut on them), what an awesome Grandma. To this day when i eat zingers i think of her. I didn't know it at the time but my Grandparents used to buy us gifts from garage sales, i guess we didn't know the difference LOL However, one time Grandma bought me a "dress" that was really a maternity top LOL
I'll be sure to post my finds :-)

Dad...

Missing him badly today. His long time friend Larry passed away, we didn't learn of it until yesterday. I guess that death just brought all the emotions flooding back, that and the fact that his burial is monday. Sometimes I just wish I could pick up the phone and call him, i miss talking to him so much. I so wish the last 2 years held better memories than hospitals and all the junk. But i do remember all the really good times and I just wish so badly he could share in them now. I thought of him a lot this weekend camping, silly but what made me think of him most was lugging around wood for our campfire. As a kid we had a wood stove and we always had to bring in wood. My dad had a joke that the until he was 10 he thought his name was "bring wood" LMAO.
Faith is so funny and always doing something so cute, it pains me sometimes that Dad isn't here to enjoy her, when i put her hair in pigtails i think of him. When i was pregnant (before we found out she was a girl) he had a dream of a blond haired girl in pigtails, he was so in love with her, as he was all the kids, it breaks my heart he doesn't get to see them grow up. Oh i know he "sees" them, but i guess the truth is it breaks my heart to not have him here on earth to share with.
Well i need to pull myself together, as much as i'd like to i can't sit in front of the computer crying my eyes out all day.

Camping weekend #1

Was great...even in spite of the rain and wind we had a great time.
I actually didn't take many pictures, i always seemed to forget to grab the camera, duh on my part, but i know our friends did so i'll have to ask them to share. We are leaving Saturday for our next weekend adventure, this time to Cranberry Lake. We are taking Cheyanne with us and are expecting to have a great time!

Tomorrow is the big day...

Our first camping trip begins tomorrow!!
We have been spending a lot of time getting ready. Today I will be packing up the camper stuff. Preparing food. And trying to keep a very excited toddler busy :-)
I'm sure i'll have lots of pictures, oh yeah gotta pack the camera :-)

Cancer sucks!

A relative was just diagnosed with a very serious, very advanced type of lung cancer. It sounds like the doctors have an extremely grim outlook, she is going for a second opinion in Buffalo. And yes, she's a smoker, and to my knowledge always has been. PLEASE, if you smoke, if you know someone who smokes, encourage them to quit. This relative is only 52 (i think that's right) and she is way too young to die. She has 3 grandchildren, a 2 year old and a set of twins that are only a couple months old. Her son is getting married this year. It's just so sad to see someone get so sick from something like smoking. But then it also makes me think, I do something that i know is bad for me. I overeat, i don't exercise, i don't take care of my health in that way. I keep meaning to do something about it, but i just don't. I guess i have that mentality that nothing will happen to me. But you know, i bet that's how my relative felt too? Sure it might not be cancer, but it could be high blood pressure, arthritis, diabetes, other heart related ailments and any of the many many other diseases attributed to being overweight. It really makes you think. Since hearing the news about this diagnosis i find myself taking a moment to pray for them often through the day, please take a moment and pray for them too, thanks. And PLEASE don't smoke!

Ramblings...

Up really early today 4:30 am. I'm hoping the trend continues that i do not need as much sleep at night to feel rested. Last night i went to sleep at 10, so what 6ish hours and i'm feeling pretty good. I think my new meds are helping, yeah! Now to get just a bit more motivated to do stuff before work than sit in front of the computer drinking coffee and browsing, LOL.
Yesterday my co-worker came back from maternity leave, PHEW. There was speculation that she wouldn't return and that made me nervous that i'd be asked to work full time all summer. So this week i'm working 4 days, next week 3 days. YEAH!
Next Friday we leave for our first camping trip. We are going to a state park with friends. Faith will have fun with her little friends i'm sure and it will be great to get away from home for a couple days and relax a bit.
My new "sewing" machine (it's a coverstitch but i know most of my readers don't really know what that is) is great. I'm learning it and for the small amount of time i've practiced with it, i am getting pretty good results. A bit more practice and I think i'll have it down.
Faith is very very very busy these days. Always up to something. Her vocabulary is amazing, but unfortunately she has picked up a couple words she shouldn't have. For example she got mad at her Daddy for taking away her toothbrush and came running to me and said "Now i can't brush my *damn* teeth". I scolded her of course, but OMG i admit it, i was laughing hard on the inside. She getting extremely excited about having a "camping party" with all her "friends". Have i mentioned that she thinks every kid is her "friend", it's adorable. We'll see total strangers and she'll refer to their children as her "friend". And even say "bye friend". I think it's adorable and good that she just likes everyone :-)
Missing my dad a lot lately, i know what a kick he would get out of her and how much fun they would have. But i also remind myself of how sick he was and how great it is that he doesn't suffer pain anymore. I know he's watching over us, but i'm still sad to not have him here. I still catch myself wanting to pick up the phone and call him to tell him something, or to ask him a question about something. I've been really struggling with the fact that I am 32 years old and already lost a parent, somehow it just doesn't seem fair at all.
My brother's health is on my mind a lot lately too. His hips are both shot and he is facing hip replacements hopefully sometime over the summer. He has other problems as well, all caused by years of hard work doing construction. He finally had to call it quits working a bit ago, he just couldn't do it anymore. I worry for his family finances, i worry for his wife and the stress this is causing them both. I am hoping that he gets approved for worker's compensation to cover not only lost wages but to pay for the surgery he really needs. He's only 42, too young to have such health issues.
Well i suppose i should go and get ready for work. Lots of work waiting for me, catching up on stuff that has gotten piled up, makes the day go faster though. I do find myself fretting at work about the things waiting at home though, hopefully now that i will have an extra day or two each week to stay home, i will get more caught up and feel more at ease about it.
Later y'all, gosh you sure can tell i'm a hick :-)

So what's new....

Mom, Chey, Faith and I went to PA last weekend. We had a really good time. Faith really loved riding in an Amish buggy, our guide was a young Amish girl and she was very informative and fun. She explained a lot of the Amish culture to us. And she was super sweet and even picked Faith right up after and took her to meet the horses. During the ride Faith stood behine Elsie's seat (she was the Amish girl) and just watched in awe that horses were pulling us, she LOVED it. She also loved the old fashioned steam engine we rode on, she loved when they blew the whistle at the crossings. We had lots of other fun too. I spent Saturday afternoon playing mini golf with Cheyanne while grandma and Faith napped, that was fun. Except i was in the sun too long and ended up with a horrible rash, yes I'm weird, i'm allergic to the sun. If i'm in it too long i get this nasty bumpy rash, like hives and it itches like MAD. It's finally starting to settle down the last day or so. I also was very good and didn't buy too much fabric while i was there.
I really restrained myself quite well and in celebration of that I just bought a coverstitch machine. This will be my third "sewing" machine. This one does the finished hems like on RTW (ready to wear) clothing. It's going to make my homemade garments much more professional looking. I got a great deal on it and am very excited for it to arrive.
In other news, I am still working full time. Though I am hoping that will be ending soon. The girl that is off on maternity leave is supposed to be coming back on May 4th. I say "supposed" to be because there is speculation amongst the staff that she won't come back. I actually really do enjoy the work i do but i am longing to work part time. I really despise working every day and not being home getting things accomplished. I have already expressed to my boss that if for some reason she doesn't return I still do not want to say full time. My boss also mentioned me learning another billing area, medicare, which is fine but i plan to tell her, though I am willing to learn it, i only want to be a fill in person, i do not desire full time work at this point. I know it probably sounds crazy to some to not want to work, with the current economic situation i should be thankful i have a job, but I have learned since having Faith that there is way more to life than money & a career. Being a mom is and always will be more important than money or a job.
Well speaking of said job, i really should get ready and get Faith up and ready as well.
In parting here's a couple pictures taken during our trip - enjoy!

She's here...

The camper that is, not sure why she's a she, but she just is....
We had supper in there last night, i promised Faith we would, it was fun.

More sewing today...

Cute shirts and a nightgown.
Sewing Blog

I DID IT

I finished the quilt...see my sewing blog for pictures.
SUSHI QUILT

Last minute spring break trip...

Mom and I were talking tuesday, i think it was, about the fact that we havn't made a trip to Lancaster PA (we've mentioned it several times but just never done it). We want to hit the fabric shops for one thing, as well as do some fun stuff with the girls. SO, we decided to just go during Chey's spring break from school. So we are leaving Thursday the 16th and coming home on Sunday the 19th. Short trip but should be plenty of time to do the things we want to do. It's really the first time i've seen mom really "light up" about doing something. I really think with everything we've been through this last couple years it will do us good to get away together. It will be just the girls, me, Faith, mom and Chey. I think it will be a great way for us to connect as a family and have a bit of fun. Faith is very excited about going to "pen vania" and riding a train. There is this old steam engine that you can take a ride on through Amish country, John and I did it when we visited a few years back, it was fun.

Also exciting coming up is the fact that John will bring home our camper on monday! We are really excited to get it here and be able to start loading it up with stuff for our first big camping trip with his May 15-17th with some of our dearest friends. Then we go again the next weekend to Cranberry Lake for Memorial day w/ cheyanne going with us. Then during John's vacation in June we have planned a 6 day camping trip up on the St Lawrence river, at one of the state parks. You can watch the freight ships go by as the campground is right on the shipping channel, cool huh. Faith is so excited about her "camping party's". LOL everything is a party to this girl! I think we should be a bit concerned about that, but for now it's cute.

Beyond miserable...

I have a beyond miserable little girl. She had a pajama party with her Grandma last night. It actually was all the girls and grandma. Cheyanne, Lori (my neice) and Faith all stayed with my mom. I think they had fun but Faith is SO tired. She didn't sleep well at all and because we were super busy today, she never got a nap. Needless to say she's wandering around MISERABLE right now.

Sometimes it sneaks up on you...

I have been a bit emotional lately, not feeling well, stress and what not all boiling up on occassion. Today I sat in my parent's garage in my dad's old chair and just let it out for a while. I miss him so much....

Good Christian Panties ...

You have to see this, you know me i don't post it unless it's GOOD!
Good Christian Panties

Where does the time go??

Time is just flying lately!
This weekend was a flurry of activity. Saturday i went to the church and did quilting with some ladies there, it was fun and i'm getting closer to be finished with my cousin's wedding gift, I had no idea it would take this long, but it is looking so beautiful, i'm very proud of it. We also talked about the possibility of getting together more, which i think would be great.
Sunday we had church. Then we signed our paperwork for our new camper, but i was bummed we couldn't look at it again cause they had locked it all up and put it out in the storage area, and it was so cold we didn't want to walk all the way up there and potentially through mud to see it. We'll be getting it mid april, so excited.
Then we stopped to see some friends for a few minutes. Then to dinner with my MIL and her boyfriend. Then grocery shopping. Then a couple more errands and finally HOME. PHEW!
Seems like in some way or another every weekend is like that lately, so much catching up from during the week. But maybe being busy is a good thing too, right? I am not convinced of that yet.

Our new "toy"...

We did it, we bought a camper. After 2 years of looking, debating, putting it off we bought this beauty.
The pictures are some stock photos of the same model and set up, only difference is ours has slightly different fabric. They don't show the bathroom but it's to the right of the bunk area in the back, the toilet/shower are actually "in" the bathroom, the sink is to the right of the door (behind where the door opens) which is a little different but i like it because it makes the bathroom a little roomer than most campers.
Anyway here it is :

So where the heck have i been?

Honestly just working and trying to squeeze a life in after that. I'm gonna be honest it was a lot easier working when i didn't have a child and i honestly dont' like working, again don't mind the actual job just hate the guilt and chaos of it all.
I also have not been feeling good at all lately. I think the stress of dad's illness and death, combined with John's aunt's illness and death, combined with going back to work stress, has made me have a major flare of my fibromyalgia. I don't talk about it a lot because many people (even doctors) don't believe it's a "real" illness, so i tend to not mention it much. When i first went to college I experienced the normal transitioning stress, friend/relationship stress, etc and just got feeling so sick. At first doctors thought depression, took meds for that but the pain in my joints & muscles just didn't go away. Finally my mom took me to a rheumatologist, initially thinking I may have inherited her Lupus. But the rheumatologist did a bunch of tests and concluded that I had fibromyalgia. She put me on many different meds, which helped a bit here and there. But after a while i just felt like the meds didn't do that much to help so i just kinda "lived with it" all this time. I've found ways to modify things I do, and tricks to help the pain, like hot showers and meditation like therapy to help relax and rest. Many things go along with fibromyalgia like having very restless sleep being one of them, that's been a problem now for 6 months or more. There's other fun stuff too like an irritable bowel & bladder (which is why i know where just about every public bathroom is). The worst of it though is definately the joint & muscle pain, which has been getting progressively worse for going on about 2 weeks now. Don't get me wrong, i pretty much have pain all the time but it's very tolerable and managable w/ a bit of motrin, hot showers, occassional massages, etc. But boy the last two weeks it's just getting BAD. I have been taking more motrin than i'd like to (since it's so bad for your stomach) and the discomfort has really made the working/home situation worse. I dont' know if I should try to go see the rheumatologist again after all this time, and see if maybe she can help (but i hate going to doctors so i don't know). For now I guess i'm taking a wait and see and hope it gets better approach.

On a happier front I think we are going to just take the plunge and buy a camper this year. We have put it off now the last 2 years, but we want one so badly. We want to spend a lot of quality time with Faith. And we want the ability to get away from home and do something really relaxing as much as possible. I think it will be a huge benefit to our family. Last fall we said we would definately do it this spring, but well you know what happened to the economy since then, so we had put it on hold again. But we decided we are going for it. Our car is officially paid off in a month. With me working full time right now it has given us the ability to save up some money as well as pay down some debt. We also decided we can give up other things in our life to make the camper dream happen. So we'll be working on that over the next couple months and hope to camp all summer and part of the fall probably too.

What's new with Faith E...

Faith is fantastic. She's so grown up. Talks like CRAZY and is learning to be a total smarty pants. She's also learned how to make mama feel guilty. This week Faith has learned the button to push to make mama feel guilty. The other days she said "i don't wanna go grandma's i want stay with you mama" and then that night she said she wanted to "sleep mama's bed" and of course i said no (i finally broke her of sleeping with me quite a while ago) anyway she responded "but i miss you mama" so of course she got to sleep with me right LOL Yesterday morning in the sweetest little voice she said "you don't go work today mama?" and i said no and she said "good" and smiled. Stinker.
She can count forward to 12 and backward from 10. She knows the ABC's and gets them right for the most part, she sometimes skips one or two. She knows all the basic colors. Right now we are working on shapes and she's got the basic square, circle, triangle. Now i'm trying to get her to know oval, heart, rectangle, star, etc. She loves to sing. She also loves to read, her favorite story (the she repeats all the time to herself) is 5 Little Monkeys Jumping on the bed. She also has a very very creative imagination she often reinacts her favorite episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Tigger & Pooh.
She is just barely 26 lbs (depends on when you weigh her LOL) and she is 36 1/2" tall, I can't believe how tall she is. She now has a 14" inseam which means her waist can fit in 18/24 clothing but she needs size 3T for length. So shopping or sewing for her is a real challenge right now. I don't have much sewing time working full time right now so i've had to buy her a few things so that when we go out and about she's not wearing "high waters" LOL I hopefully will only be working part time by late spring and i'll have more time then to sew for her.

Great day yesterday...

We decided to take off and go to Syracuse and do a bit of shopping and have lunch. I wanted to take Faith to Carosel mall to ride the carosel and go to build a bear, but we ended up over on Erie blvd to eat so we just decided to go ahead and go shopping over there. First we went to that HUGE Barnes & Noble, OMG book heaven, without a 2 1/2 year old i definately would have stayed in there longer (and spent more money i'm sure, so maybe not staying too long was a good thing?). Anyway i got this book Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld, at the sledding party last weekend someone had made some cookies from this book that had of all things chick peas in them, and OMG were they ever good. So i just had to have the book. I read through most all of the recipes last night and OMG is it ever a great cook book. So many sneaky was to get fruits and veggies into your food. We are definately going to be trying it out.
Faith had a ton of fun playing in their kids section. They have a train table which she really liked, would have liked it more had there not been a little "bully" standing there too, telling her she couldn't do anything. I was in awe that this kids parents were close by and not saying a word about him being so mean to my little princess. So i loudly said "It's okay Faith you can play with the train too, go ahead". ARGH some people annoy me. Anyway she got to pick out a book and she picked out a Little Golden book (remember those?) about a bear going to bed, can't remember the exact title. I also picked up two homeschool workbooks, one on the alphabet and one on shapes/colors. John got a really neat almanac book of facts, in my opinion great bathroom type reading, however I never get to stay in there long enough to read more than a sentance LOL

We then went to the shoppintown mall, which i must say seems to be on it's last legs, there was one whole wing of empty stores (for the most part). I don't know if they are planning to redo it or something? But i got some AWESOME deals on a few things for Faith. She has suddenly outgrown her 2T pants and desperately needed some. At Gymboree, my absolute favorite store for little girl clothing, i got her 2 pairs of pants, 2 matching shirts, hair clips and sunglasses for $35 total. For those of you familiar with Gymboree this is a steal. I have made a deal with John that if I shop there I will ONLY shop the clearance rack and that's what i did, worked out great. Then he wanted to go to Sears, so I figured i'd at least browse their kids section. Found her 2 jackets in size 3T one winter reversible and one fall/spring weight reversible. They were $7.99 each!!! $7.99 OMG i freaked. I so wished they'd had 3T snow pants, because those were on sale cheap too, but alas no 3T. I love love love getting good deals LOL.
Not much else to report from the other stores but Faith had fun. We had fun and it got us away from the house for the whole afternoon.

On another fun front we are currently planning a summer getaway for early June, i know not really summer but it will be fun none the less. We had so wanted to get a camper this year, but we are trying really hard to follow the sensible part of our brains on this one, and in this economy not make a major purchase like that. So since we won't be camping this year, we are going to take at least one longer vacation and maybe a weekend or something closer to fall. It's so fun to plan :-)

Recent photos

Ski mask i whipped up tonight for a sledding party we were invited to tomorrow, she really needed something to cover her nose and cheeks, i'll have actions shots tomorrow hopefully.

I came home last Saturday to find Faith and Dad taking a nice snooze together in the chair.

Tub Time, with cheese.

My little Valentine, I made the outfit and just love it.

What? You don't wear your underwear with your boots?? (on the wrong feet i might add)

How to deal with extreme disappointment? I'm at a loss...

I am having an especially hard time deal with something right now. It's a huge disappointment that I just can't seem to get passed. I just feel so down about it that it feels like it's consuming me. I've been struggling for a while, and sometimes it's better but then inevitably something comes up that makes my heart broken all over again. I've been trying really hard for about a month now to just let it go, be happy and blessed with what i have and not feel cheated. I have been trying to enjoy the blessing I have and be content. But how does one become content without something that their heart and soul yearns for? It wasn't so long ago that i felt complete, that no matter what happened i would be satisfied with what i had. But for about 2 years now I have been feeling the exact opposite.. feeling so strongly that another blessing would enter my life. My heart is ready for it, my mind, body and spirit are ready for it. But it just doesn't happen. And time and time again i feel extreme disappointment. But then at the same time I'm mad at myself for feeling that way. Why should I be disappointed, i have one huge blessing and i should be thankful and just enjoy that blessing, right? Then there is the jealousy that makes me totally ashamed, but it's there and I just can't seem to help it. It seems nearly every day there is a reminder of someone, somewhere who doesn't even want their blessing, someone who doesn't take care of, love or enjoy their blessing. Then there are the reminders of those that have been blessed many times, without even giving it a second thought. And while i'm thrilled for people that don't struggle like i do, it also throws the question out there of "why not me?" It's not that I'm not thrilled for those with many blessings, or those that are satisfied and content with what they have. But i crave that, i want to be satisfied. I wish i could find the peace that many have about this, the contentment to just live a normal life without this "thing" constantly hanging over my head. I've prayed and prayed and prayed the following -
Lord, if it's not meant for me to be blessed again in this way, please help me find the contentment and peace that's needed at this time for me to deal with this feeling of almost constant disappointment. Please help my heart to heal and not yearn for something i will never have. Please help me not feel left out, sad, disappointed, jealous when faced with situations where others have more than i do. Help me instead focus my energy on enjoying my own blessing and making her life exciting, fun and positive. Help me put my energy to good use and not to continue to feel depressed and useless.
So that's my prayer and hope, but it just seems to go on, nothing changes, i hope every day to find the "secret" to this dilema but it doesn't come. I hide it pretty well, i think anyway. I do my best to keep my negative sad feelings hidden, i don't want to be one of those bitter people, i hate being negative and bitter, it's just not part of my personality. Sometimes I feel like i'm hiding this nasty secret part of myself and I guess the reality is that short of times where i just can't take it anymore I do hide it. Sometimes the worst part of this is the shame people make me feel for feeling this way. Sometimes even my own family makes me feel bad for feeling this way. But how on earth can one totally completely ignore a desire that just burns inside their heart?

So, this week was a pay week..

That helped me feel really good about working, even though I am still having a lot of reservations about the missed time with my family. I was able to pay my babysitter (she's pretty cheap, she'll only take $50 a week). I also paid our car insurance bill for the next 6 months and still have $100 left over to save. So i was really pleased to see me helping out with the bills.

I think it's looking more like the full time hours won't last long though and I'm totally fine with that, honestly i'd love to just work 2-3 days a week. I think I can easily be happy with no time too. The reason i think it won't stay full time for much longer is that there is another biller coming back to work at the end of March. Plus when the girl that's going out to have a baby comes back there really won't be any work for me. So i figure enjoy the bigger checks while they last (I'm guessing maybe through the end of March) and put the money to good use and then just see what happens.

This weekend will be hard...

Saturday is Valentine's day. Normally no big deal, i just get irritated that John forgets to even get me a little card until the last minute, but hey, he's a guy right.
But this year, it's the first year without my dad. It would have been his and mom's 34th anniversary. I know it's going to be terribly hard on my mom. They got married on Valentine's day, i can't honestly tell you that they had any real "reason" for doing so, but i always have thought it was sweet. Mom's wedding ring is beautiful, not at all traditional, it has cut out hearts all around the band, very unique.
Also 8 years ago when i was just turning 24 (my birthday is on the 19th) John proposed and gave me a beautiful engagement ring. The diamond is held up on each side by a heart w/ a small diamond inside. I just love my ring, and the thing that makes it hard this year is I'm remembering the night he proposed and how thrilled my dad was. He just loved John so much, took him right under his wing and treated him like his own son. He was so happy for me, for John and the whole family that night. I just remember the joy in his face and his voice. Oh dad, how i miss you.
Anyway back to topic. I've been trying to come up with something I could do to make the day a bit easier for my mom. Then i realized nothing is going to make it easy, but that I certainly can't let her sit around and be lonely and sad. John and I decided to take her and Cheyanne out to a really nice dinner Saturday night. I'm also going to order her a single yellow rose (her favorite) I think, i havn't decided for sure, i'm worried that will make her more sad. What do you think??

John's aunt passed away

I feel bad for not posting sooner, but John's aunt passed away last evening. I had already logged off the internet for the night and then this morning totally forgot i didn't update my blog.
As sad as we are that she is gone, we know she lived a very good life and is now out of pain & sickness.
Her funeral will be Saturday.

We can't catch a break....

Home ownership is great. But note to self, don't buy an old house that you know is going to have more repair needs then a newer home. Now if John didn't 12+ hours every night monday-friday it probably wouldn't be as huge of an issue. But with him working nights, and trying to play catch up on everything on the weekends it's just not good.
For some reason it seems every sunday morning lately we wake up to one issue or another that just can't wait. A couple weeks ago it was the septic, something HAD to be done, no choices there. Before that we had snow blower issues. Before that there was lots of other stuff.
The newest thing is the roof. History - we had leaking issues before and the roof has been repaired in the fall of 2007. We had no issues with it that winter. But here we are again. It's the roof over the bathroom, it has to do with the way this house is designed and the pitch of that roof being less, plus it gets pounded with snow sliding from the upper roof. Anyway with all the snow this winter so far i guess it was bound to happen. John has been cleaning it up as best as he could when the snow was getting too built up. Just yesterday he cleaned off alot of snow, but underneath there's a thick layer of ice.
Anyway i got up about 1:30 this morning and the bathroom ceiling was leaking :( So he's got to get up there and break ice off, which will mean a lot of work with a sledge hammer or the like.
Not how we wanted to spend our "family weekend".
To add insult to injury (one of my dad's favorite phrases) John's aunt is on her way out. We got the call yesterday that she wasn't doing well and the family was gathering. So we went up to see her, she is definately way way downhill but as I learned from my experience with my Dad's death, sometimes it can take quite a while for the process to complete. So also on our minds and in our prayers is an easy/painless passing for his dear aunt.
SIGH.

First week of work...

Well i've already told many people this so it might be a repeat for you but anyway....
It's not the job I am minding, that's going fine, i actually enjoy it. I've been doing 2 main projects. Dental billing which i find fairly straight forward and not too difficult once you get the hang of it. The other project is looking at old accounts, it really makes my eyes buggy, but i am helping the other girls that don't have time to follow up, so it's a good thing.
The thing i do not like is the missed time with my family. I'm really upset about it honestly. I know it will get easier but this first week was certainly hard. I feel like the time i do spend with Faith I am always rushing her, or I'm tired/she's tired and we are both grumps. And we hardly saw John before, now that's even worse.
My day consists of getting up (between 5:30 and 6), getting ready, getting something premade for dinner (crock pot or whatever), getting Faith up and ready. We have to be out the door at 7:25 at the latest to get her dropped off and me to work. Then i get out of work at 4, rush to go get her and get home (around 4:30). Finish whatever is required for dinner, we try to eat between 5 & 5:30 so John has enough time to get ready for work. (he gets up around the time we get home). He leaves between 6:30-6:45, which means by the time we eat and he gets showered and ready, he only really spends a few minutes with Faith. Then her bedtime is 7:30, so after daddy gets off to work i have to get her bath and settled in for bed. Just not really much family time at all :(
The other thing is I am just so tired at night, i'm fine in the morning, but by 8 at night i'm ready to sleep myself that i go to bed.
I am sure it will get better, and for now it's going to help a lot that I am working. The good thing is that Faith really likes going with Grandma and there are no issues there, so i don't think it's really bothering her like it is me. However i must say I am questioning how long I would want to keep working full time, i'm thinking i will be thrilled when they want to cut me back to part time.

$5 dinners

Why havn't i seen this blog before? How cool is that...I saw lots of neat recipes.
$5 Dollar Dinners

Took Faith...

I had said i wouldn't take Faith to see John's aunt Helen. I was so concerned that she would want to visit papa and would get upset when he wasn't there.
I had to take mom to the eye doctor yesterday and it's in the building attached to the hospital. I said "I'm going to go see Helen, do you want to go?" and of course she did.
So on the way upstairs i just said, you know Helen lives where papa used to right? Papa isn't there anymore, you know that right? Papa is in heaven now, right? She responded "Uh huh" or "Yeah" to everything. We got up there and she was totally fine.
She didn't mention papa or try to go to where his room was or anything. I asked her where papa lives now, and she said "heaven".
So as usual i didn't give my kiddo enough credit, she gets it, i was avoiding taking her for my own pain, not hers.

Monday is the day...

I went and did almost all my paperwork yesterday. I still have to get my "physical" tomorrow morning hopefully. Then i'll be all ready to go back to work. I'm still up in the air about it, but i think once i'm used to it, it will be okay. I'm surely more worried about leaving Faith than she is. She's totally excited about going to Grandma's. She's already asked me about a million times if "I go to Grandma's now?". I've gotten her to bed earlier all week and she's now sleeping from between 7 & 7:30 till between 6 & 6:30. So that should give me time at night to do some cleaning up and getting ready for the next day. Then some time in the morning to get her up and at it before we have to leave.
Overall I guess i'm still feeling very indifferent about it all. I'm still worried that in the long run it won't really be worth it, but we'll see.

So i think i'm starting to panic...

Why did i take a job? What was i thinking? How can i do all this when i am so used to having so much freedom of my time. Faith and I literally do what we want every day, all day long. I'm starting to realize how much i'm going to miss that. I don't want to take the attitude that i'm going to just hate it, because then i will. I want to be positive about it and think that maybe it will work out good. I hate feeling like I'm only doing something for money. I'll be the first to admit i'm not the greatest "stay at home wife & mom". I am just not all about cleaning, the house is generally a wreck. But i've gotten so used to doing other things, especially sewing lately. When will i find time for that now? And what about laundry? I'm terrible at keeping up with it, is it only going to get worse?
I talked to my good friend Tracy last night. And we talked about how it's very important to have a routine. She recently went back to work after staying home with her little one for several years. Though the talk cemented what i already knew (that we would have to live a much more regimented way), it also made me more depressed. In a way i just hate the thought of doing a "go go go" all day long, all week long. I'm actually kinda hoping this job ends up being 3 or less days a week, so we have a couple free days during the week. But even if I do, i'll be playing catch up all the time. The weekends too.
I don't know, maybe i'm being overdramatic about the whole thing. Maybe it won't be that bad. I guess we'll just see.
I have started menu planning, something i've always wanted to do but never implemented. So this week we are eating from a "menu". I grocery shopped yesterday and made sure i had everything i needed to make all the meals this week, and wouldn't need to make any extra trips to the store. Also 3 nights this week I am making "extra" food, either extra cooked meats, extra sauce or a casserole to freeze. That will help make nights go quicker if I can just defrost something like meat sauce while i'm at work, come home and put together a quick goulash or spanish rice.
I'm trying to get "caught up" on things around the house too. I have some sewing i've got to do, none of it will take a super long time. I have of course got a lot of laundry to do, which i need to include pulling out my "dress" clothes to have for working. Now y'all know me, i don't really own "dress" cloths but you know my nicer stuff, not the sweat pants and t-shirts i wear most of the time lately.
Well i've let this post get too long. I guess my point is, this week i am trying to prepare myself to be a working mom & wife. I'm praying the transition goes easier than I'm anticipating.
Oh and I didn't mention, John is pretty much feeling the same way I am. He is partly glad I am taking a job, you know the $$ thing. But he's also pretty sad and nervous about how it's gonna work out. He'll likely not see Faith much at all during the week, probably never in the mornings I work and at night he has to get up, eat, get ready, go to work, not much quality time. We've been trying to come up with solutions for more time for them.
Okay nuff whining, on to some work. Well maybe one more cup of coffee....see, i just don't know...

So i have a job.

Well my old boss just called and offered me a job. No interview or anything just flat out offered me a job. Which is cool.
I have mixed feelings. On the one hand i just love being home with Faith, and hate the thought of working a regular job. But at the same time we can use the $$ - we can pay off some bills sooner and save more too. I basically am looking at it as I can always quit later if it really isn't working out.
So i'll be doing dental billing and comp. & no-fault billing at the hospital. It will be 8-4 (no nights, no weekends) and probably about 3/4 time for now and later on it may be just part time, who knows at some point it might even be full time. The rate of pay is good and I pretty much know what I am getting into. I know i probably won't like many things, but at the same time I can endure. Maybe it will be good to be out in the workplace again and with "adults".

Check out some recent sewing...

RECENT SEWING

I've gotten a lot accomplished the last week or so, and i posted some of my favorites in my sewing blog. Check it out :-)

Struggling...

I admit it, i'm struggling. I know part of it is my sadness still but the other part is my lack of sleep (which could be related to all the leftover stress). I can't say i've slept good in probably 3 weeks. I am struggling each night with insomnia. Then when i do get to sleep i have wacky dreams the whole time. Crazy stupid wacky dreams. Like last night John and I were going on some sort of "mission" on a ship. My midwife and favorite nurse from my doctor's office were with us? What in the world we were going to do i have no idea. But there was lots of packing and discussions about going on said "mission". Whatever....
It's so hard to be energized to get a good days work done when you are tired all day. Not only tired, but not rested. To me there is a difference between "sleeping" and being "rested". I could be rested after a few short hours of deep sleep, but i'm not getting that at all, so each day i wake up feeling totally restless and in many cases more tired than when i went to bed.
I'm going to give it one more week of trying to change around my eating/drinking habits, taking my medications earlier and other lifestyle changes to see if I can get some sleep. Then i'll have to give in and go see someone about it. Sigh...

I don't understand the Amish?

Amish File Lawsuit

I skimmed this article, i admit to not reading every little detail but i just don't understand how they can justify placing a lawsuit against anyone? They don't agree with our legal system? Don't adhere to the building codes and I assume other laws, so how can they then turn around and use said legal system to justify their religious beliefs not to? It makes no sense to me at all?
Same question arose recently when there was a case of a 2 year old needing life saving heart surgery. The amish will agree to some medical treatment, i've actually seen them at my pediatricians office with their children. I've heard they get vaccinations even. But they wouldn't allow for surgery, something to do with because it was the heart? Regardless again it doesn't make sense?
So what is their religion based on ? I mean you'll use what you want of the "english" world, but you will ignore other "things" based on your religious beliefs. ???????????????

Here we go again :(

We knew it was in the works for a bit now, but John's aunt has been placed in a nursing home. The same nursing home dad was in, the same FLOOR dad was on. Don't get me wrong, i'm glad she's where she needs to be. And I am confident it's the best possible place for her to be. I know they will take such good care of her. But at the same time it's so so so hard for me.
I'm posting about this here because it's just not fair to talk to John or anyone in the family about, it's just too selfish. I want to try and go to see her, but at the same time i terrified of how i will react to being there again? I want to be there for John, i want to be supportive of what he is going through right now, but the selfish part of me just wants to stay away. Helen was like a second mother to John. He spent a lot of time with her because his mom was single and working. I know that for him this is very similiar to the situation with my dad was for me. You hate to see someone you love be old, weak and pretty much out of their mind. It busts your heart open. I want to be there for him, but my own wounds are still so raw, that i don't know if I can be.
I absolutely flat out REFUSE to take Faith there, and I'm sure everyone will understand why. In my mind I can just see her screaming and running for Papa's room. I can't take having to yet again explain to such a little girl that papa is gone forever. I want her to remember him but taking her there will only confuse her more. I am even afraid of the next time i take her to the pediatrician's office downstairs in the hospital, will she insist on going to see her papa?
Anyway i am struggling. I know John will probably want to go and see Helen today, and like i said, i want to go, i want to be supportive, but at the same time i want to stay home and hide from my emotions.

**Edited to add i went, it went okay, i had a couple teary moments but for the most part held it together very well. The girls were happy to see me and i got some hugs, it was nice to feel cared about. Helen doesn't really like being there but that's to be expected, i think she'll adjust.**

Happy New Year

Well here it is 7 am and I'm the only one up. But that's okay, gives me a bit of time to reflect on what i am hoping for this year.
First and foremost I really am hoping to day by day heal my heart from all the pain and loss associated with my Dad's passing, i know it will take time but I'm hoping that each day i can feel just a bit better. I know he's with me and always will be, but it's still so hard.
Secondly, we need to eat healthier. NO, this is not some sort of I want to lose weight resolution (though of course i would love that). It's just a goal to improve the way we eat around here. Less convenience food - either fast food or prepackaged stuff from the store. More fruit, veggies and whole grains. Less soda, more water. That kind of thing.
Third, we need to become more active. I don't want Faith to end up one of those lazy overweight teenagers (like i was). I want her to enjoy going for walks, riding a bike, playing outdoors. I don't want her to sit in front of a TV playing a video game or watching shows all day, every day.
And finally my greatest and most fervent wish for this year is to be blessed with another child. I don't know if I will still seek treatment with the fertility clinic as planned late "last" year. Or if I will just hope and pray for a miracle for us. Right now my pain is too raw from my Dad's passing to deal with trying to conceive. But in a month or two i am sure i will feel differently. I can't believe God would put such a strong desire in my heart for another child if I wasn't meant to have one. So hopefully in 2009 some direction is gained in this area and by the new year, 2010 we are on our way to adding to our family.